Expecting Rain

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: '05 edition

2006-11-30T14:16:00.000-05:00

Well, actually Summer/Fall of the glorious year 2005. But anyways, visual evidence has now surfaced from both the major projects I worked on: the award-winning A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints and Harvey Keitel-starrer A Crime. C'mon and taste the glory.

Kansas Man Shoots Himself in Groin

2006-11-16T18:24:00.000-05:00

You'd think the headline says it all, but you would be wrong. Though this AP wire article provided precious little information about the botched kidnapping that precipitated the self-eunichization, if you read the paragraph you'll see that after shooting himself in the testicle, he then managed to shoot himself again in the thigh. That really seals the deal for me. It takes a very special combination of bravado and incompetence to shoot oneself twice.

Missed It By That Much

2006-10-27T16:14:00.000-04:00

Compensating?

It's not very often that one can say they missed by a fraction of an inch and mean it. Yet this literally happened to me yesterday at trivia night at a bar on Lexington. The question was, "According to Harry Callahan, what is the most powerful handgun in the world?" The answer can be found in the comments section, but suffice to say that when I answered ".45 Magnum" I was incorrect.

This egregious error totally wiped out my previous gains in pride from knowing the weight of a ping pong ball and which Bond film the character "Pussy Galore" appears in. It haunts me to this day.

Man Bites Panda

2006-09-20T17:28:00.000-04:00

Need I say more?

Jericho

2006-09-10T13:55:00.000-04:00

How sad is it, in terms of Skeet Ulrich's career, that the TV promos for his new show "Jericho" don't even mention his name? CBS feels that the name of this one-time, reasonably well-known character actor means so little that just printing his name would mean nothing. From the promos, it's clear that he's a major character in the show; is the network just depending upon the rabid viewership of a segment of the audience who know Skeet Ulrich by sight?

Say It Ain't So, Harold

2006-07-26T18:22:00.000-04:00

Harold Reynolds, former Gold Glove second baseman and leading light of the 1980s Mariners has gotten shit-canned from his steady gig at Baseball Tonight. The charge: sexual harassment. His defense: it was just a hug.

I don't know about the accusations, but for HR to get canned so abruptly the charge must have been a little more drastic than a overly-cosy hug. I will miss his astute observations and amusing "can you believe this guy?" banter with John Kruk. Hopefully it's all a misunderstanding and HR can go back to demonstrating how to properly lay down a bunt whilst wearing a suit.

My Life Begins Today

2006-07-13T19:15:00.000-04:00

Well, actually it begins on July 18th, when Briscoe County, Jr. is released on DVD. Lo, it's been a long 12-years since we last glimpsed the chin-related stylings of Bruce Campbell as the eponymous title character. I'm counting the minutes. Now if they'd only release Duckman, my life would be complete

Freudian Slip Watch

2006-06-10T12:41:00.000-04:00

From the Washington Post:

"I think it will be okay, but it's going to take awhile. Sometimes leaders show up who do a great disservice to the traditions and people of a country."

-George W. Bush, talking about Venezuela.

Bush Bashing

2006-01-21T20:51:00.000-05:00

Harry Belafonte, who has emerged weirdly as one of the Bush Administration's harshest critics, compared the Department of Homeland Security to the the Nazi secret police in his latest broadside.

“'We’ve come to this dark time in which the new Gestapo of Homeland Security lurks here, where citizens are having their rights suspended,' Belafonte said in a speech to the annual meeting of the Arts Presenters Members Conference."

But Belafonte's comparison couldn't be more misguided: You see, the Gestapo was efficient.

Wayne's World

2006-01-16T20:10:00.000-05:00

THE CLASSIC MIDDLE NAME (ALL NEW FOR 2005!) Once again this year, as a public service, we release this crucial homicide data:

Charged with murder, awaiting trial: Darrell Wayne Maness, 19 (Wilmington, N.C.); Timothy Wayne Ebert, 39 (Cleveland, Tex.); John Wayne Blair, 49 (Sevier County, Tenn.); Derek Wayne Jackson, 18 (Norristown, Pa.); Nathaniel Wayne Hart, 34 (Austin, Tex.); Kenneth Wayne Keller, 42, (Denton County, Tex.); Ronald Wayne Lail, 43 (Burke County, N.C.); Timothy Wayne Condrey, 27 (Caroleen, N.C.); Roy Wayne Russell, 45 (Vancouver, Wash.); Jeremy Wayne Hopkins, 22 (Denton, Tex.); Reginald Wayne Thomas, 23 (Huntsville, Tex.); Matthew Wayne Almand, 18 (Melbourne, Fla.)

Convicted of murder, but found insane: Emmanuel Wayne Harris, 28 (Bisbee, Ariz.)

Sentenced for murder: Tyler Wayne Justice (Alice, Tex.); Douglas Wayne Pepper, 44 (Greensboro, N.C.)

Awaiting a retrial after a judge overturned his murder conviction: Donald Wayne Shipe, 37 (Winchester, Va.)

Committed suicide in a murder-suicide: Eric Wayne Jacobs, 27 (Castroville, Tex.); Michael Wayne Baxter, 30 (Edgewater, Md.)

Executed for murder : Dennis Wayne Bagwell, 41; Lonnie Wayne Pursley, 43; Melvin Wayne White, 55 (all from Huntsville, Tex., the state penitentiary)

Died of a drug overdose while serving two life terms for murder: Russell Wayne Wagner, 52 (Jessup, Md.) (He was buried at Arlington National Cemetery based on Army service in Vietnam. The son of Wagner's victims objected, prompting a congressional review. A 1997 law supposedly bars those convicted of capital crimes from being buried in a national cemetery.)

Final note: Police in New Scotland, N.Y., arrested Corianna Thompson, 45, in April for the murder of her mother, then released her last month without charges while they investigate "additional leads." Thompson's birth name was Corey Wayne Balashek. Before his sex change, he served nine years in prison for the 1981 strangulation of an Albany nurse. Authorities believe Thompson/Balashek is the first American, let alone the first middle-name-Wayne, to be arrested for murder in both genders.

Happy Thanksgiving Cont'd

2005-11-24T12:24:00.000-05:00

Endangered?

Forget the rapidly diminishing oil supply and the rising prices of heating this winter, a true national crisis is upon us: there is a looming cranberry shortage. Sure, we're in good shape for Thanksgiving, but the outlook darkens considerably over the six weeks between Turkey Day and Christmas, when 25% of our nation's cranberries are consumed. And as Jared Diamond has shown us, when a population starts running low on a resource they inevitably begin exploiting it in a more ruthless fashion.

We must defend our valuable bogs from overuse, lest cranberries become hunted to extinction (like the poor, benighted mincemeat tree). Sure, we can't fuel our automobiles and aircraft with cranberries (yet), but if the cranberry supply is exhausted we will have no foodstuff whose sauce so perfectly retains the shape of its container (unless you count catfood, and I'm not that short on money (yet)). So conserve your cranberries people, winter's comin'.

Happy Thanksgiving

2005-11-23T18:53:00.000-05:00

Turkey pardoning commentary from the New York Daily News:

"In an act of clemency Guantanamo prisoners can only dream of, Dubya yesterday freed two gobblers [Marshmallow & Yam] from the food chain and sent them off to Disneyland. . . . The President peered into Marshmallow's eyes and stroked the bird's fluffy white feathers with a tenderness usually reserved for members of the Saudi royal family."

My personal vote for the annual turkey naming was Krauthammer & Hitchens, but apparently that doesn't have the zing of Marshmallow & Yam. Also, if you have a spare moment this weekend between regular tryptophan ingurgitations and the Lions-Falcons game, you might check out this edifying article.

Most Valuable Pujols

2005-11-15T23:38:00.000-05:00

Thank you, Jesus, for letting me hit that curveball 500 ft.

Big ups to Albert Pujols, 26-year-old Cardinals phenom and 2005's National League MVP. As anyone who saw him take Brad Lidge deep in Game 6 of the ALDS knows, Pujols is a beast at the plate. Sadly, this award reveals to the non-St. Louis audience that his skills as an orator are positively, well, Bushesque. When asked to comment on the new steroids restrictions passed yesterday, he had this to say:

"I think that if you get caught the third time, I mean that's real bad, you should get abandoned from the game. You shouldn't be able to be caught the third time because after the first time, if you don't learn from that, from 50 games that you sit down without getting paid, that's pretty bad."

Stick with first-base, kid.

October 2004

2005-11-01T21:47:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been getting most of my political news from NPR while driving around in Manhattan traffic. Between the taxis and "Scooter", it's a wonder that I have a shred of sanity left. I was pretty mellow about the recent exposure of governmental malfeasence, even the non-indictment of Official A (aka Karl Rove). It doesn't surprise me that the Bushies are stonewalling and being as obtuse as ever.

But then I read the editorial by the always insightful E.J. Dionne, Jr. in this morning's Washington Post. He astutely points out that, because of administration prevarication and the foot dragging of journalists, the indictments were handed down in October 2005 instead of October 2004. October 2004, you may remember, was during the presidential election. So, if you're keeping count, by obstructing a federal prosecutor, the Bushies avoided an indictment in the White House one month before the vote. Without obstruction, John Kerry is president. They truly are evil geniuses (and geniuses who, if they can just stall until Christmas 2008, will never need to find out what a prison cot feels like). As Dionne puts it: "Has anyone noticed that the coverup worked?"

If they didn't have video of the baby panda taking its first steps on the same homepage, there might have been violence.

Don't Call It a Comeback

2005-10-31T22:46:00.000-05:00

Fourteen-hour days, with the faint promise of meager pay, can wear a person down and lead to blog neglect. But a headline like "Electrocuted Squirrel Causes Grass Fire," can ressurect a blog as sure as Jesus did Lazarus. Thus I sign off, having referenced both squirrels and Jesus.

Did I Just Hear What I Thought I Just Heard?

2005-10-12T00:12:00.000-04:00

I personally try to listen to the Fox baseball announcers as little as possible. Thus, when something really "out of left-field" slips from their mouths, I'm never quite sure if I heard it correctly. However, during Game 5 of the ALDS I distinctly heard Tim McCarver or Joe Buck speculate that "Robinson Cano's happy to be playing in New York, because," unlike where he was brought up, "they have electricity and running water." The guy's from Dominican Republic--he didn't grow up in a yurt on the Mongolian steppes. Did anybody else hear this, or am I losing my mind (or option (c), all of the above)?

Thank You, Sir. May I Have Another.

2005-10-11T23:58:00.000-04:00

I have never seen the way George W. Bush, fraternity rush chairman that he is, collects sycophants so clearly as I did this morning. In the released documents for Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, she refers to W. and Laura as "the greatest" and, worrisomely, as "cool." Now say what you will about Justice Antonin Scalia, but I'm willing to bet that he has never described anyone with a phrase so insouciant as "cool" (I do like to imagine him and Dick Cheney blowing the shit out of some ducks and then saying "Cool" before bursting into Beavis-and-Butthead-esque giggles, but that's neither here nor there). Bush takes the Karl Roves of the world, convinces them they're part of his (shudder) cool little club, and then uses them for years. Later, they will be rewarded with political hack appointments. It's just all so crazy, but people really love this dope.

I am discounting Miers statements on Bush's birthday card that "You are the best governor ever - deserving of great respect." As anyone knows, you should never trust what is written on the office birthday card. I'm sure she just threw that "best governer ever" thing out there because "Have a super great b-day" was already taken.

1-800-NYC-SAFE

2005-10-08T23:23:00.000-04:00

Bit of a rite of passage over the weekend, with my first New York terrorism scare. I think it's positively hilarious that the Bush Administration admonished the New York authorities for raising a false alarm. How quickly they forget Tom Ridge and his color wheel. Or maybe what the Bushies meant was to critique Bloomberg and Company for their timing. The Administration learned long ago that a terrorism alert is only useful when there's an important election coming up. I mean, seriously, what amateurs. Because when we can't use terrorism to spread fear in the hearts of the populace, the terrorists win.

Laundry Day

2005-10-08T23:16:00.000-04:00

You could sense it in the Red Sox fans as this week's ALDS wound down. It was a road they'd been down many a time. The Sox Nation followers I talked to just felt that this year's team didn't have it. I wore my old skool White Sox hat today and heard nary a heckle (though one person did mistake it for a Boston cap). I guess it's sporting to give a fan base that's waited 88 years a shot at the World Series. The faithful can always take heart in the fact that, should they go head to head in a washing machine, the red socks will always triumph over the white, resulting in a kind of pinky color.

Baseball in October

2005-10-05T10:42:00.000-04:00

October is upon us once again and most everyone in baseball land has gone home for the winter. This includes, of course, the realm of fantasy. With a frantic barrage of homeruns in the final two weeks, my team, The Lefebvre Believers, managed to crawl out of the cellar and finish in 9th place out of 10. We got some good performances this season out of young and cheap players like Gustavo Chacin and Mark Ellis, laying the groundwork for next year's team. My faith in the respective shoulders of Richie Sexson and Eddie Guardado was not misplaced, and Placido Palanco turned out to be a fortuitous mid-season signing. Emily Dickinson said that hope was "the thing with feathers," but I prefer to think that hope is next season. (In the interest of proving myself not a complete fantasy incompetant, I did finish 4th out of 12 in my non-pay league. I guess that's what signing Michael Young, David Ortiz, Joe Mauer and Jason Bay will do for ya).

In the world of actual baseball, a difficult-to-locate prediction continues to haunt me. Google has failed to locate this article, but I distinctly remember Ruben Sierra, at the height of the mid-season Yankee mediocrity, predicting they'd make the playoffs. I remember writing it off at the time as the stiff-upper lip fantasies of a journeyman whose best days most likely involved a needle and Jose Canseco back in Texas. But who's laughing now? That's right, Ruben is. Damn you, game of averages! I think what bugs me about the whole thing is not the collapse of the Red Sox or the lack of parity in the AL East, but that I don't feel like the Yankees have a right to things working out. When Randy Johnson, Jaret Wright, Carl Pavano and Kevin Brown all have old age catch up with them, how is it that the Yankees can procure an Aaron Small or Shawn Chacon to prop up their rotation? How, in a farm system pillaged over the last 10 years, can a better-than-average second baseman like Robinson Cano survive and prosper? It makes me think of the Chuck Klosterman musing about the U.S. government controlling the outcomes of every baseball season. Could it happen here? I'm expecting the White Sox and Cardinals in the World Series, but we'll see.

What!?

2005-09-23T15:56:00.000-04:00

The Yankees are in first place? Baseball is so boring.

Let My People Go (on vacation)

2005-09-19T21:19:00.000-04:00

Closing in on two months in the movie "bidness" and where has it gotten me? I've learned anyone will take you if you're willing to work for free. But all this toil, these 14-hour days in New York Town can really get to a person. Life is tough when you're stuck on a small parcel of land filled with people who don't get along and speak different languages (and don't get me started on the beastly heat). So I'm saying "goodbye to all that" and taking a break from all this strife: I've gone to Israel. In a place like that, it's a sure bet there'll be nothing but peace and quiet for me!

Solidarity, Brother!

2005-09-09T19:33:00.000-04:00

Deer, meet headlights

If there was an international brotherhood of interns, a sort of coffee-fetching Teamsters union, then our leader would be Mike Brown. Brown, as you may know, is the stunningly incompetent, alarmingly unqualified head of FEMA. Last week he was just another Bush administration hack who owed his job to cronyism, but now he's been promoted to full-time press punching bag and administration scapegoat. Just today he was removed from Katrina relief operations and may soon be out of work, hence why I'm offering him the position of Jimmy Hoffa of the Interns. The pay sucks, but I'm sure there are some office supplies that won't be missed.

The reason for Brown's god-like status among interns is that he embellished his resume to make a long-ago internship into qualification for heading a major federal agency. Aside from claiming to have been a professor of political science, though not even having a degree from an accredited law school, "Brownie" made other fibs on his resume. The most egregious was his claim that he was...well, I'll just reprint the paragraph from Time:

" The White House press release from 2001 stated that Brown worked for the city of Edmond, Okla., from 1975 to 1978 "overseeing the emergency services division." In fact, according to Claudia Deakins, head of public relations for the city of Edmond, Brown was an "assistant to the city manager" from 1977 to 1980, not a manager himself, and had no authority over other employees. "The assistant is more like an intern," she told TIME.

The very tender distinction between "assistant city manager" and "assistant to the city manager" is one sure to make any fan of "The Office" smile.

Well, that's enough about our fabulous future leader, "Brownie." He's just a "time off to spend time with family" and a presidential freedom medal away from his glorious new post with the interns union. As for me, I'm off to "update" my resume.

In the News...

2005-09-09T19:17:00.000-04:00

A Mississippi judge has ordered Edgar Ray Killen, a former Ku Klux Klan member, back to prison pending appeal. Killen was convicted of inciting the murder of three civil rights workers in 1964. Despite the forty-year delay, there wasn't ever much question about Killen's guilt. I mean, the guy is a Southerner with three names, which pretty much guarantees that you killed somebody in the Sixties. As far as I know, the only person fitting this description not responsible for a murder is Billy Ray Cyrus, although this doesn't take into account "Achy Breaky Heart."

Sympathy for the Working Man

2005-09-07T16:37:00.000-04:00

When I first saw that shortstop/left-fielder Mike Morse had been suspended for steroids, I figured it was just another borderline Mariner caught "shopping at GNC" (see Jamal Strong, Ryan Franklin, etc.). Why can't your Seattle M's learn that when you cheat you're supposed to win?

But there's more to the story than Mikey trying to break out of the AAA ghetto. It turns out he's being suspended for something that happened down in the minors nearly a year and a half ago. The bigger shock is that he fessed to it, admitting using steroids instead of alledging a shadowy conspiracy. While I normally advocate the Frank Robinson solution for players caught juicing, I'd like to make an exception for Morse. MLB has once again fouled up this important issue. So, enjoy your break, Mike. See you in 10.

Gilligan RIP

2005-09-07T00:41:00.000-04:00

So long, little buddy.

Bob Denver passed away today. Denver touched many a soul, first as as the original TV beatnik, Maynard G. Krebs, on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis. In addition to being the first (and last) sitcom to reference Thelonius Monk, Denver's character can also be credited with discovering the Krebs cycle. As the lovable bumbler Gilligan, he foiled a Russian submarine crew, numerous hostile natives and met the Harlem Globe Trotters. Say what you will about his general lassitude re: "escaping the island", Gilligan could never be accused of taking an unreasonable amount of clothing on a three-hour tour. Still, I will always hold him in highest esteem for not narc-ing on Dawn Wells when he got busted for pot possession. Bob Denver: a true American hero.

10 Songs

2005-09-06T01:09:00.000-04:00

In an attempt to further blog-to-blog conversation, I am going to allow the baton to be passed and list the 10 songs currently in heavy rotation on the ol' personal jukebox.

The Decemberists: 16 Military Wives
Wilco: At Least That's What You Said
The Mountain Goats: Up the Wolves
Elliott Smith: Memory Lane
Bob Dylan: I Was Young When I Left Home
Lucinda Williams: Lake Charles
The Who: Substitute
Bright Eyes: Easy/Lucky/Free
The Band: Jemima Surrender
The Streets: Geezers Need Excitement

No big suprises there, but I can't afford any new music. As Donald Rumsfeld might say, you go to war with the CD collection you've got, not the one you want.

Ray of Hope

2005-09-06T00:52:00.000-04:00

Though things have been characteristically dire for your Seattle Mariners this season, there is reason to hope for 2006. Now that the AP-wire sports stories are referring to Mariners' phenom Felix Hernandez as "King Felix," I can finally start telling people that this kid is for real. Ending his first month in the major leagues, he's 3-2, with a 1.59 ERA and 50 strike outs. If he played for any team but the Mariners (or perhaps Royals), he'd be 7-0. All this, and he was born in 1986(!). He is, dare I even think it, the second coming of Doc Gooden, but without (knock on wood) those nagging substance abuse problems.

Apologies

2005-09-06T00:36:00.000-04:00

I know this poor little blog has withered through the summer, like a neglected houseplant, so I shall rededicate myself to keeping it filled with small observations of dubious pertinence. Thank you for your time.

Headlines

2005-09-06T00:16:00.000-04:00

It's not by choice that I am often confronted with MSNBC.com headlines. It's a feature of the default sign-out page for Hotmail, which I'm told only out of touch technological dinosaurs such as myself still use. But ANYWAY, you might think that given that the chief justice of the Supreme Court died AND 10,000 people are predicted killed by a hurricane AND we're involved in an ill-advised land war with murky objectives AND poverty just rose for the fourth straight year, we wouldn't have to hear any more about Natalee Holloway. But MSNBC is still flying that flag, right below Indonesian jet crash and Jerry Rice retiring. It just makes a person...mad.

However, I did learn that, in a real sign of progress, Iraq has resumed state executions for the first time since the deposing of Saddam (though this particular fact really denigrates the gangland-style executions that have been going on the streets). Bush should be pleased, as executing prisoners seemed to be the only function of government he excelled at.

The Arts!

2005-08-22T00:27:00.000-04:00

I may not know art...

Though I can hardly claim to qualify as an art expert, I feel comfortable stating that the vast quantity of so-called "contemporary" art is, in a word, crap. Seems like a lot of taking pictures of one's body parts so one doesn't have to leave the apartment, squatting in front of a video camera for 45 minutes, or forest-floor-looking mixed media abstracts. However, there is one contemporary artist working today to whom I must give the propers.

His name is Marcel Dzama, and this series is currently on display at the MOMA. I especially dig "Scheme of the Circles of Battle," which appears above in reduced-size. Can't get enough of rabbit with gun and smoking cat-thing. So anyway, I can no longer say that all contemporary art is crap. Big ups, Dzama!

Go Ahead, Count 'Em

2005-08-19T20:09:00.000-04:00

Another installment of "Short Story in 25 Words or Less":

For the second time that day, Rodney found himself saying, "But officer, she looked 18." He regretted his decision to see the Albanian optometrist.

Time is Money

2005-08-15T22:52:00.000-04:00

We at Expecting Rain have recently learned to appreciate the simple pleasures in life, such as using the Internet to follow Felix Hernandez one-hitting the Royals through five. With this in mind, we present our newest feature, "Can I Get It For Free?".

Let's take three possible activities, all easily within reach, and see how they stack up.

A Trip to the MOMA:
Intellectually Stimulation: That Marcel Duchamp just slays me.
Time spent: I could be here all day!
Cost: $25

The new Wong Kar Wai film:
Intellectual Stimulation: love those modes of alienation!
Time spent: 129 minutes
Cost: $10.75

Taxi cab fire on 7th Ave.:
Intellectual Stimulation: fumes may kill brain cells
Time spent: 15 minutes
Cost: gloriously free

Taxi cab fire it is!

Next week in our New York adventures, we play "What's That Smell?"

The Soldiering Life

2005-08-10T12:27:00.000-04:00

While no member of the brass has met with substantial punishment for any of the Iraq/G-WOT debacles, apparently getting a little on the side is dealt with swiftly and harshly. Got to love those priorities. Perhaps he was reprimanded for giving her the ol' "rear admiral", a clear violation of separation of the branches.

The Paper of Record, Biyatch

2005-08-05T21:09:00.000-04:00

If I may, I'd like to toot my own horn.... Been in New York a week and I already warrant a (final) paragraph in the Times. This nearly makes up for the self-esteem drubbing I took at my internship when I was asked to take out the office's trash.

Know Your Rodents

2005-08-03T21:45:00.000-04:00

All this attention on nose size creates
unrealistic expectations of body image
among female shrew populations.

Thought I'd bring back another old favorite, so heeeeere's "Know Your Rodents"! The Louisville Zoo is home (among other things) to the Elephant Shrew (Elephantulus rufescens), a particularly amusing little creature. When not in a zoo, the shrew can be found in Africa (what you were expecting something more specific?) The shrew's stilt-like legs vault it to a precarious height, where its agile nose probes the leaf-clutter and undergrowth far below, searching for, I dunno, grubs or something. Whatever it is shrews eat. But look how funny!

One might think there's an evolutionary rationale for this shrew's bizarre physiognomy, but then one would be an idiot who hasn't heard that God made all the animals and that Charles Darwin is a big fat joke.

Auto-eroticism

2005-08-03T20:58:00.000-04:00

Flee before my might, earthlings!

It's been a while for Expecting Rain's biennial feature on cars, but this week we're reviewing the 2005 Ford Explorer. Once upon a time (1991), this first-generation SUV sat five, handled more like a car and flipped over with ease (just ask Chris Shim). Like most Americans in the ensuing decade and half, the Explorer has become heavier and less-agile, but is still fairly easy to flip. It now sits eight, or 4/5 of little Madison's soccer team.

This particular rental had the main purpose of transporting the majority of my possessions from Washington, DC to Brooklyn; let's see how it performed. The Ford's a junior monstrosity compared to the Sequoia, Excursion or Navigator, with a narrower trunk clearance than you'd think and deceptively little room for rear storage. That's the reason that I'm typing this on a converted Ikea bookcase and not a desk (desk last seen on the curb of Constitution Avenue).

Having driven a Honda Civic for the last three years, there's an alarming pleasure that this driver took ensconsed on high in the Explorer. The engine has a good deal of pick-up as well, and the ride is smooth, even through the many potholes that I just couldn't seem to avoid. I was starting to like driving this SUV, well on my way to becoming everything that is wrong with America. Part of this Zenlike sense of well-being stems from the feeling of impregnability in an automobile this size. With the cruise-control locked on 70, I moved up the New Jersey turnpike with the implacable presence of an Imperial starcruiser chasing that wimpy vessel Leia was on.

It was a difficult transition back to the underworld of the Civic, but the pain of giving up a vehicle the size of Sherman tank was somewhat tempered by the fact that the cost of gassing up the monster was nearly three times that of the rental itself. Despair.

Juiced

2005-08-03T20:25:00.000-04:00

I'd like to go on record as saying that I've never liked Rafael Palmiero. Other than his being a Viagra pitchman, I didn't have a good reason to (unless one considers that moustache). Until now that is; because if there's one thing that makes me mad it's congressional perjury. Grrr. These guys like to talk up their hard-work, chalking the positive tests to flaws in the testing or dubious supplements, but lifting weights isn't going to help you catch up to a 95-mph fastball after age 40. Anybody who watched Edgar Martinez's chasing high heat in his final season know what an aging slugger's swing looks like.

Ryan Franklin picked a good week to get caught "shopping at GNC," but like every other caught ballplayer he hasn't copped to it. It'd make me feel a little better about Palmiero's 15-year assault on Mariner pitching if an M's starter wasn't juicing, but this does demonstrate that it's not just the stars but the guys trying to stay out of AAA, as well. It's too widespread to be shocking.

I hope a star finally being nabbed causes baseball commentators to stop playing coy on this issue. When asked about Barry Bonds and steroids on a recent "Daily Show" appearance, Bob Costas mumbled something about it being highly irregular for a player to add thirty pounds of muscle after age 35. I'd moving more toward the nuclear option suggested by Frank Robinson("Wipe it out...No numbers. It's like they didn't play."), but only if it's applied retroactively.

Be A Man, Be A Krugman!

2005-07-22T00:02:00.000-04:00

China unpegs the yuen from the dollar! What the hell does this mean? Take it away, Mr. Krugman.

Penultimate Step

2005-07-21T21:10:00.000-04:00

When I first heard about this Judge John G. Roberts fellow, he didn't sound too threatening. Sure phrases like "career Republican operative" and "corporate lawyer" raised warning flags, but I figured that he was just a place holder, someone to maintain the Republican majority on the court until Rehnquist dies. Being bereft of any substantial judicial record, Roberts could just as easily turn out not to be a conservative hack. Bush needed to knock Rove off the front pages and Roberts seemed like he'd get some press and be easily confirmed. Then, when his hand was stronger, Bush would try to swing for the fences with the bastard offspring of Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas. That's what I figured anyway. But E.J. Dionne is worried, and when he's worried, I get worried.

Courtesy of "White House Briefing"

2005-07-19T16:19:00.000-04:00

Here is the text of Bush's remarks at the swearing-in ceremony for senior members of the White House staff on January 22, 2001.

An excerpt: "We have all taken an oath, and from this moment on it is our jobs to honor it. . . .

"[W]e must remember the high standards that come with high office. This begins with careful adherence to the rules. I expect every member of this administration to stay well within the boundaries that define legal and ethical conduct. This means avoiding even the appearance of problems. This means checking and, if need be, doublechecking that the rules have been obeyed. This means never compromising those rules."

Swift Justice

2005-07-19T14:13:00.000-04:00

In an attempt to distract from the 24-hour Roveathon enveloping Washington, Bush has moved up the timetable on the Supreme Court nomination. He's supposed to announce his nominee at 9 p.m. ET tonight, with early speculation settling on Fifth Circuit Judge Edith Brown Clement of New Orleans. The elevation of a relative unknown to the top of the potential-justice pile raises several questions. Most pressing among them is this: are the rumors of Judge Clement's impending nomination just a clever ruse in order to disguise Bush's true choice, Red Sox starter Matt Clement? The hints are certainly there. Clement is listed as both batting and throwing from the right (wink, wink). Though his lifetime decisions may mark him as a centrist (79-78), he is currently listed at 10-3 in favor of the Red Sox (nudge, nudge). While it's just a rumor, and one that admittedly I started, it would finally give the Supreme Court softball team a pitcher who could throw the circle change.

Change the Channel

2005-07-18T21:13:00.000-04:00

I realize that this is a tired gripe of mine, but what would happen if a Yankees game occurred and ESPN didn't air it in its entirety? Would it make a sound?

All Apologies

2005-07-18T20:05:00.000-04:00

Seems like apologizing is the hot new trend of the week. Ken Mehlman apologized for the GOP's Southern Strategy (to little acclaim), Jude Law apologized for diddling the nanny, and everybody in government is demanding everybody else apologize for Rovegate ("He's a thug!" "No, a hero!"). At least abortion-clinic bomber Eric Rudolph isn't falling into the trap. Screw Love Story, it's being a crazy fucking right-to-life lunatic that means never having to say you're sorry.

Not that we should be expecting any apologies from the Bush administration. They've never made any mistakes, despite what that sell-out Doug Feith might say (it's probably a sign of how distracted the administration's become that they haven't gotten around to destroying Dougie, a la Richard Clarke and Paul O'neill). I've been trying to keep abreast of each side's salvoes (see here and here, for starters), but even someone with no job doesn't have the time to keep it all straight, especially with the waters being furiously muddied by the GOP. Will I relent in the face of their furious offense, and accept that Rove was merely a concerned citizen trying to clear up a misunderstading when he leaked to Matt Cooper and then said "I've said too much"? If I buy that then it's only a short hop, skip and a jump to black being white, up being down and bands named after places not sucking. The horror.

Curse Thee, Peacock!

2005-07-18T19:39:00.000-04:00

Vile, old-skool logo!

It is with resignation that I've accepted NBC's continued shabby treatment of "Scrubs." Though nominated for four Emmys, the suits in Peacockland have decided that they'll use their only great show as a mid-season replacement, bumping it out of the opening fall line-up. Despite Zach Braff's skyrocketing notibility, the red-headed stepchild of National Broadcast Corp. will continue its wandering ways from day to day and timeslot to timeslot. Usurping the programmers, I recently spent the better part of a week watching the ambitious first season, newly released on DVD, and the show hits its stride with impressive speed. Funny stuff.

In a positive note, while continuing to prop up Thursdays with feculent garbage like "Will & Grace" and "Joey," NBC is bringing back "The Office" for another season. After disappearing from sight like poor Chrissie Watkins in Jaws, I thought we'd seen the last of the American adaptation. I'm pleased that Steve Carrell will be granted another chance to take this conceit to strange new places.

Enhancement Watch

2005-07-16T00:07:00.000-04:00

Curiouser and curiouser

As of yesterday, Jason Giambi, he of BALCO testimony fame, has hit 8 home runs in 9 games. Has he already been tested twice and figures he won't have to pee in a cup again this season? Has he found something undetectable? Did he get tipped off that Victor Conte would plead guilty and he wouldn't have to go under oath again?

I've been watching your Seattle Mariners lose to Baltimore most of this evening. Since it's Orioles television, they show the local Maryland promotions. With a shrunken torso and dramatically elongated forehead, the Sammy Sosa bobblehead appears to be anatomically correct. Steroids are bad for you, kids.

Legislative Branch Celebrity Sightings!

2005-07-15T15:53:00.000-04:00

One chili half-smoke, please!

Today's noteworthy lawmaking celebrity is Charles Rangel, who represents New York's mighty, mighty 15th district. Since this district includes Harlem, that means that Shaft is one of his constituents! The congressman was spied, avec bodyguard, heading into DC landmark Ben's Chili Bowl on U Street. Get to know him: here's some of Charlie's comments on Luther Vandross. He has a great, combed-back mass of congressional hair. It's a shame that the audio clips aren't working, since Rangel has a deep gravelly voice, reminiscent of the late DJ Wolfman Jack.

All-Star Break Update

2005-07-13T22:32:00.000-04:00

No baseball. No job. At least there's PandaCam.

Naming Names

2005-07-13T22:13:00.000-04:00

It must be hard to name new products these days. So much historical baggage (and more every day). I don't consider myself an aficionado of naming stuff, but I know when a name works (e.g. Snickers) and when a name doesn't (e.g. McGriddle). Still, I really feel that the namers of the Chevy "SS" and the Dairy Queen "MooLatte" could have tried a little harder, unless of course Nazis and America's dark legacy of slavery were the associations they were aiming for.

Reading Is Fun Again

2005-07-11T17:00:00.000-04:00

Ice cream for freaks

If there's one thing more enjoyable than reading about your Seattle Mariners' recent four game sweep in Anaheim, it's the press smelling blood in the water as Karl Rove get exposed. As a released e-mail now shows, he was Matthew Cooper's source in the infamous Plame Affair. You are now instructed to register surprise (didn't see that one coming). And to think they were trying to implicate that poor, innocent Scooter Libby. After numerous denials (see here), Rove is now backed into corner and spinning his wheels in a positively Clintonian (as the right likes to say) way. Big Karl's main defense is that while he told Cooper that Joseph Wilson's wife was a CIA agent, it's not like he used her name or anything. Thus if I said I had been smoking crack with George W. Bush's wife, but didn't use her name, I would protect her anonymity.

Of course, nothing bad will happen to Rove. He's probably even going to keep his job. The Bush Administration will figure out some way to spin this, or just ignore it, and all will be business as usual. On the miniscule chance that he gets sent to jail, Bush will pardon him. As George Clooney so tenderly puts it in Out of Sight, in big boy prison people like Rove are "ice cream for freaks." But let's not be silly: menaces to society like Martha Stewart and Li'l Kim go to jail, not political masterminds. Bushie-Bush won't let his little boy genius come to any harm.

Actually, I'll retract an earlier statement. Reading about a Mariners sweep is more fun.

The World of Sport

2005-07-05T02:21:00.000-04:00

Swing and a miss

Lance Armstrong and Roger Federer weren't the only ones defending their titles over the weekend. Takeru Kobayashi defeated all comers in the Nathan's Famous hot dog eating contest, his fifth straight year on top. Just reading about someone eating 49 hot dogs in 12 minutes makes me want to yak.

In other sporting news, your Seattle Mariners DFA'd Bret Boone. Commence the Jose Lopez Era. Still considered a potential hall-of-famer (best season ever by a second baseman in 2001), it's a shame he had to go out the way he did. And shame on Stuart Scott for that "no crying in baseball" reference on Sportscenter. Good luck, Bret, hopefully a playoff contender is interested in an aging second baseman who swings out of his shoes at ball four.

And finally, who hasn't asked themselves recently, "Gee, I wonder what 1970s all-star pitcher Dock Ellis is up to these days? Hey, didn't he once pitch a no-hitter while tripping on acid?" Well, ponder no more, my friends, thanks to the Dallas Observer.

List Making Excitement

2005-07-05T01:29:00.000-04:00

I didn't even beat that pantywaist Lincoln?

Though admittedly addicted to the making of lists and the ranking of things (e.g. is John Cleese the funniest man alive?), I like to think that I approach the task with a certain measure of circumspectness. While there may be, for instance, an enjoyable hot dog in recent memory, I'm not one to declare any particular dog in my experience superior to all weiners in history. I could say something similar about white peaches. What I'm getting at is this--proximity doesn't equal superiority. Which brings me to The Discovery Channel and its recently conducted survey of Great Americans. The viewing public was asked to rate a list of 100 Americans, from Thomas Jefferson to Oprah Winfrey to the Wright Brothers, and rank them according to "greatness." According to the vote, the greatest person produced by this nation in 229 years of existence is (drumroll, please) Ronald Reagan. Are you kidding me? Lincoln was second! Worst of all, George Washington was fourth! George Fucking Washington, the father of the nation, didn't even medal. George W. Bush and Bill Clinton made the top ten(!). What can we conclude but that Rousseau was wrong, the will of the majority is not always correct. In short, democracy doesn't work. It's enough to make a person consider benevolent dictatorship.

Oldster Rage

2005-06-30T16:33:00.000-04:00

40-year old Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers is in trouble again, this time for shoving cameramen and kicking a video camera to death. This comes after Rogers missed his last start because he punched a cooler and broke his pinkie. Rogers joins fellow oldsters Randy Johnson and Kevin Brown as dramatic examples of geriatric rage. I'm not trying to cast aspersions, but it seems these pitchers are able to keep throwing like men much younger than they, albeit with occasionally erratic behavior. Curiouser and curiouser... Or perhaps they're just taking Dylan Thomas's advice that "old age should burn and rave at close of day." What's next? 42-year-old Jamie Moyer biting the head off a kitten?

A New Feature

2005-06-30T12:14:00.000-04:00

Weren't you, like, running for something recently?

To commerate my final weeks in Washington, DC, Expecting Rain presents: Legislative Branch Celebrity Sightings!

Yesterday, while riding up Independence Avenue, Congressman Dennis Kucinich was spotted leaving the House office buildings. Dressed in a dark-blue suit and carrying a briefcase (no doubt stuffed with bills to help Ohio's proud 10th District), it took me a second to recognize the man whose presidential campaign was only slightly less doomed than that of Carol Mosely Braun. Still, all that time in the spotlight stumping for liberal causes did accomplish one thing: he was on TV enough for me to recognize him and make him the first Legislative Branch Celebrity Sighting!

Breakfast Links

2005-06-30T11:31:00.000-04:00

The witty observations of Larry David remind me a lot of the thoughts that keep me awake in the wee hours. Only his thoughts are inherently more amusing than mine. Could this be why he has a hundreds of millions of dollars and I do not? Hmmm. This isn't going to sway me that "Curb Your Enthusiasm" is better then BBC's "The Office", but I will say that it's a Mantle vs. Mays-type of argument.

{I don't know why I titled this post "Breakfast Links." It's possible it has some connection to the fact that, though I've been up since 4 a.m., on a normal day I'd be having breakfast about now (11:28). Oh, and I'm "linking" to things. If that doesn't work, think about it in an nonsensical, Andy Kaufman-type way. As I often do, allow me to quote Spinal Tap: Such a fine line between stupid and clever.}

{In another tangent, people who claim that any of the latter-day Christopher Guest films are on par with Tap are just plain crazy. It's like Willie Mays vs. Torii Hunter: one is undeniably a classic, while the other provides memorable moments but bats .267 lifetime}

Apartment Hunting

2005-06-27T01:08:00.000-04:00

When one is of limited financial means, apartment hunting can begin to seem a hopeless task. This is increased ten-fold if you're looking for a temporary sublet, and ten-fold again if it's in New York City. Three weeks I've scoured Craigslist, with nothing to show for it. There are a couple areas that seem to have reasonable rents and a fair number of vacancies, though it's beginning to seem as though I may never live in a neighborhood that lacks a lingering association with race riots.

Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Game

2005-06-27T00:27:00.000-04:00

Occasionally on this blog I will discuss matters of concern to the hip-hop community. I don't usually drop names, but this site has received plenty of "hits" from, among others, The Game and C-Murder (aka C-Miller), so I know the people are listening.

Tonight at the Merriweather Post Pavilion, Wilco's opening act was Philadelphia's favorite sons, The Roots. They spent much of their set trying to get the audience to dance and/or participate, but to little avail. Even more mainstream fare, like covers of "Jump On It" and "Rapper's Delight," did not impel the audience to "get down." Eventually they gave up, with visible frustration.

I wish they'd asked me first; they could have saved their breath. See, Wilco's fan base is as lily-white as the Heritage Foundation, and is only capable of head-nodding or, if whipped into a true frenzy, toe-tapping. I've seen the good intentions of Mos Def and Jurassic 5 dashed on similar rocks of apathy by mostly Caucasian crowds in Seattle. It may be genetic, but most Anglos cannot help but care when they are asked to put their hands up in the air and wave them. I don't want Black Thought and The Mighty, Mighty ?uestlove to feel down about this, but unless the margaritas they serve at the venue are made a helluva lot stronger, ain't no way Whitey's gonna dance.

Brush With Power

2005-06-25T02:06:00.000-04:00

So I guess I was at the ballgame tonight with George W. Bush. ESPN has it that he brought Condi (better eye candy at State than Powell), along with past and future cronies for the cronyism mill. Now I know why the Secret Service guys at the stadium were being such dicks.

I'm glad I didn't realize it at the time, since I've been infuriated by everything involved with the administration lately. If I'd known, I might have waited out in front of Gate F and shouted something untoward, such as "Mr. President, please don't open nearly a third of all remote national forest lands to road building, logging, and other commercial ventures." Ah, but what good would that have accomplished?

If it's not the Big Dick implying that the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay should be happy to be living in "the tropics," it's the administration using the EPA to fight restrictions on pollution. It makes me so mad, I just might leave town.

Hmmmm...

2005-06-25T02:02:00.000-04:00

While the twenty-first century might have its drawbacks, it has certainly made it easier to figure out in what year major motion pictures were copyrighted.

On Friendship

2005-06-16T12:26:00.000-04:00

I'm not quite sure, but this haiku by Jonathan Franzen may be the most profound thing I've ever read:

You get a haircut
Ordinary people laugh
Do friends? No, they don't.

Lessons Learned

2005-06-13T22:36:00.000-04:00

It's getting hot in here

I was recently alerted to a front page news item that broke while I was in Belize (and which is now buried deeply under Michael Jackson's acquittal coverage). With the headline "Bush Aide Softened Greenhouse Gas Links to Global Warming," the New York Times detailed how an oil-industry lawyer inserted strategically misleading adjectives to blur the science of global climate change. Environmental leaders have decried this as more Bush administration chicanery intended to stifle science and aid polluters (a.k.a. "The Base"). They have responded to the report by pointing to what they, the left-wing intellectual elite, call "facts."

However, I must respectfully disagree with those Sierra Club granola munchers. Bush is truly a tree-hugger at heart, and his administration has truly taken one aspect of environmentalism to heart. Hear me out. Back in the run-up to the Iraq War (Operation Enduring Infinite Revenge or whatever it's called), the Bushies were producing lots of reports about Saddam's weapons of mass destruction. Though dead set on war, they were still mindful of the environment. They saved innumerable trees by deleting the many caveats in the reports, resulting in lean, Hemingway-esque prose. This "Reduced" the amount of paper needed.

The Bushies could have just tossed those caveats in the trash, but that would be wasteful. Instead, they "Reused" them, inserting words like "possible" and "maybe" into this global warming report. It turns out that doubt and circumspection can be useful! Now watch them "Recycle" the same old smear tactics to discredit those who disagree with them about climate change.

{Update: Obfuscation as career move}

Insidious Eli-Mariners Connection

2005-06-10T12:53:00.000-04:00

Be gone, sports fan!

When I left the country, your Seattle Mariners were mired in last place in the AL West, playing the type of lackluster ball usually associated with the cities of Kansas City and Tampa. Since then they've been on a tear, winning 8 of 10, climbing out of the cellar and recently taking a road series against the formidable Florida Marlins. They seem to win when I can't watch. There may not be a connection between my being in the country and the Mariners winning (although the summer I spent in London they won 116 games), but all I'm saying is this: if they drop three straight any time soon, I'm buying a plane ticket.

Some Observations from Abroad

2005-06-10T11:53:00.000-04:00

In the years since I last went abroad, there has been a veritable sea change, with one figure now virtually ubiquitous across the planet. This cult of personality, billions strong, stretches from the suburbs of Houston to the remote provinces of the Developing World (which is what we used to call the "Third World". I have a theory that this designation has changed not out of politcal correctness but because everybody was always asking where the "Second World" was. Was it India? Egypt? Scranton? But I digress).

So who is this influential figure, straddling oceans like some latter-day Colossus of Rhodes? No, it's not Jesus or Pope Benedict XVI or even Che Guevera. It's Spongebob Squarepants. Though one might think he's limited by a television signal, his empire of t-shirts, backpacks and sundry paraphenalia stretches even beyond the reaches of electricty. His beatific, Mao-like visage was spotted in a remote Maya village near Guatemala. Spongebob's bootlegged movie, a Kane-like study of his rise to power, can be found for sale on streets the world over. When the little children do inherit the earth, he will be the one to lead them. All hail, Spongebob.

In other news, I would like to report that Nescafe tastes like used coffee grounds mixed with piss.

Dirty Old Men

2005-05-27T14:22:00.000-04:00

"Quit yer dawdling on that perscription, whippersnapper!"

When I see a headline like this, "FDA Gets Reports of Blindness Tied to Male Impotence Drugs," my concern is that we'll jump to the wrong conclusions. Perhaps blindness isn't a vile side-effect of Viagra and Cialis, at all. What I'm getting at is this: maybe the reason Grandpa's spending all that time in the bathroom isn't because he's run out of Metamucil. If "hair growth on the palms" is listed as the next unforeseen side-effect, then I think we'll know what the real culprit is.

Give Hate A Chance

2005-05-24T23:46:00.000-04:00

What segue could possibly connect these two?

One recent evening, after a longish day freelancing for MTV, I sat upon the couch and spent three hours reading Sarah Vowell's "Take the Cannoli." Subtitled "Stories From the New World," this book had been highly recommended to me, with often hyperbolic praise. To call an author "funnier than David Sedaris" is an inflammatory claim, and after thorough comparison I can only respond: eh, not so much.

Vowell's strongest work focuses on history, a subject upon which she can often be found expounding on National Public Radio. The stories about her father's cannon and Chicago's Michigan Avenue Bridge were quite good. Ironically, the past is also the subject of her weakest essay, focussing on the Cherokee Trail of Tears. In discussing this sad chapter of our nation's history, Vowell reveals an almost pathological hatred of Andrew Jackson that sends the essay completely off the rails. She really, really hates Andrew Jackson (yes, the guy on the twenty). At first I was a little baffled by this; it's not often you hear people walking around declaiming "Curse thee, Martin Van Buren!" Seems if you were one of the first 25 presidents, you mostly get a free ride these days. But Vowell really has it in for Andrew Jackson. Apparently, get this, a white man broke a truce with Native Americans, then caused a great many of them to die. The way she presents it, this comes off like one of the great exceptions of history.

Perhaps I'm being too tough on Sarah. In this cacophonous day and age, maybe we need to vent some aggression at the high-profile and mighty. I'm not suggesting this in a "The Assassination of Richard Nixon" way, but, as The Jefferson Airplane might say: "Wouldn't you love somebody to hate?" I'm game for a try. I will focussing some of my frustrations with everyday life at San Antonio Spurs guard Manu Ginobili. Here goes...dumb, Bronson-Pinchot-looking motherf****r. Someday your flopping and fakery shall come back to haunt you!

Sing Out!

2005-05-24T22:55:00.000-04:00

Only a pawn in their game?

Bush's taste in music runs more to Kenny Chesney than Pete Seeger, but El Presidente appears to have inspired a revival of the protest song. Will this be his great legacy to the arts?

Beginning with Woodie Guthrie in the Dustbowl '30s, the protest song reached its acme in the late-50s and early '60s, although folk singers were still getting killed on the charts by Frankie Avalon. Recent world events (and you know what I'm talking about) appear to have resuscitated the form, Lazarus-like, from the dead.

I first became aware of this phenomenon in early 2002, at a Dan Bern concert in Minneapolis. Bern performed a little ditty called "Talking Al Kida Blues." There has been a veritable flowering since then, Pearl Jam's "Bushleauger" being an apt example (also see The Decemberist's "16 Military Wives"). Though this particular art form has a shorter shelf-life than cottage cheese, when well done it can still be kind of rousing.

Thus we come to a laudable addition to the protest song canon, "When the President Talks to God," by Bright Eyes (a.k.a. Conor Oberst). A pretty scathing performance from "The Tonight Show"(!) can be found here. It's not quite "Only A Pawn In Their Game," but somewhere Phil Ochs is smiling.

Noodlings

2005-05-16T23:46:00.000-04:00

When you don't have a job, you spend a lot of time noodling on the various mysteries of life. I'll give you an example of how I've been occupying my time. Thought: who was the first person to look at a lobster and say to himself, "now I bet that'd be good to eat. If I just crack open the hard, spiky exterior and avoid all those eyes and antennae, I bet there's some fine dining to be had." I wonder sometimes if humankind is still capable of such amazing leaps of faith.

A New Feature

2005-05-16T17:32:00.000-04:00

Miguel Olivo prudently watches his back

Always eager to provide a public service, we here at Expecting Rain present "Seattle Mariners' Catcher Roulette." As a former catcher myself (perhaps the only left-handed one in little league history), I have a special affection for the pitch callers. With a spate of injuries in the past month, it may be difficult to tell who's squatting behind the plate in Seattle (the mask doesn't help either). Here's an update for the catchers who have appeared in a Mariner uniform as of May 16, 2005:

Dan Wilson: torn ACL, out for the season (possibly career?)
Rene Rivera: AA catcher promoted last night. Major League batting average of .000, but cute as a button.
Wiki Gonzalez: Definitely has the best name of Mariner catchers, but not the best hamstrings(!)
Miguel Olivo: healthy (after debilitating kidney stones in '04), but batting a sickly .155
Ryan Christianson: back after a steroid suspension, good prospects for health barring Giambi-esque thyroid condition.

Wait A Second...

2005-05-16T16:46:00.000-04:00

The White House and Defense Departments are up in arms today about a small item in Newsweek that has triggered rioting in Afghanistan and Pakistan (perhaps other 'Stans, as well?). The item involved the flushing of the Koran down the toilet or something to that effect (if only that was most objectionable thing happening at Guantanamo Bay). Newsweek has retracted the item, but the Administration wants more. I'm going to reprint a Pentagon spokesperson's comments from the New York Times:

In a statement on Sunday, Bryan Whitman, a Pentagon spokesman, said: "Newsweek hid behind anonymous sources, which by their own admission do not withstand scrutiny. Unfortunately, they cannot retract the damage they have done to this nation or those that were viciously attacked by those false allegations."

The original account, he said, was "demonstrably false" and "was irresponsible and had significant consequences that reverberated throughout Muslim communities around the world.''

I'm sorry, but are these people on drugs? They've got this incredible bug up their ass because an anonymous source furnished Newsweek with questionable information. Do they really not remember that they sold an entire war based on faulty intelligence? Try Googling "Curveball" if you too are afflicted with severe short-term memory loss.

Something Democratic

2005-05-13T14:36:00.000-04:00

Death from above

Like most residents of Washington, DC, yours truly heard about the Great Cessna Scare of '05 long after the fact. Two guys from Pennsylvania were apparently using an outdated map and drifted into restricted airspace. I'm sure SAM batteries were locked onto their little plane, but fortunately for them they were intercepted by fighter jets and forced to land outside the city, proving again that there but for the grace of God go the Darwin Awards. While red alerts were issued to Capitol Hill staffers and White House personnel (sending my pregnant landlord hustling out into the streets and the first lady to the White House basement), I gather that no one else in the District of Columbia had much of an idea what was happening until reading it in the papers.

I certainly didn't, though I was nowhere near the real action. At the time I was at the Ft. Reno tennis courts, taking advantage of unemployment to knock some balls around in the noontime sun. While it did seem peculiar that I could see F-16s flying circles over the city, much greater attention was directed on the alarming deterioration of my backhand. But let me come to my purpose. There was something democratic to come out of the whole situation. That something was general ignorance.

First some background: I've always been a great admirer of the Bob Dylan line "Even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked." This seems to have been updated on Wednesday as the POTUS "sometimes must have to ride his bicycle." As I was playing tennis, unaware that many thought the capital under attack, Bushy-Bush was out bike riding in Maryland, also unaware that fighters had been scrambled. No one thought he needed to know, so he continued rocking John Fogerty on his i-Pod until the end of the ride. For nearly an hour on that glorious late-spring day, I knew as much (if not a little more) about urgent matters of national security as the president. Some, however, perceived this to be a slight problem and it led to an amusingly contentious exchange between the press corps and Scott McClellan the next day: "Might there be something wrong with protocols that render the President unnecessary when the alarm is going off at his house?"

Know Your Rodents

2005-05-12T01:08:00.000-04:00

We welcome back Know Your Rodents with this week's small, furry friend: the hedgehog. Contrary to popular opinion, the hedgehog is neither a hedge nor a hog. Feel free to relate this bit of information next time the hedgehog is brought up in conversation. You will sound way knowledgeable.

[Know Your Rodents Newsflash: Please click here]

Borko at the Cinema

2005-05-11T22:11:00.000-04:00

Kingdom of Heaven
by Borko Naberezhnyi

Borko is thinking like Ridley Scott--now is being perfect time for movie about Christians invading Holy Land. What could be being better! I am being riveted!

Movie is starting in 1148 AD, where Orlando Bloom is blacksmith guy. Life is very bad. He probably poo in a pot. His dad (Liam Neeson) come to take him to Jerusalem, but they have never been meeted! If Borko was Liam, I ask for paternity test. Bloom does not look like his bastard! Look at noses! On way to Holy Land, is much misfortunes. Sword battles and killings and shipwrecks in desert lands. Borko is thinking Shakespeare guy should be getting assist on script. All battles are being shot with Ridley Scott fight-scene trademark known to Borko as"incoherence." I am not knowing what it happening! It make the brain to be sleeping.

Once in Holy Land, is more complications. Some want war, some no war. Orlando hit it with princess. Accents are being very indeterminate. Blah, blah. There is some Frenchy guy who is villain. He is having unfortunate resemblence to Tim Curry in Spamalot. When he call guy "blasphemer" it make Borko think of Life of Brian. Hard to be taking serious. Movie is pretty but also is being pretty boring!

Orlando end up fighting Saladin, a famous Arab guy, for Jerusalem. Saladin is being played by actor from Syria, Ghassan Massoud. He is being one smooth dude. Character look familiar. No other critic guy is having sack to say it so Borko must: Ghassan give off real strong Osama vibe.

Moral of story at end is can we not all be getting along? I am thinking there is still being some disagreements in the Middle East. Answer is apparently "no."

Ad Man

2005-05-11T13:58:00.000-04:00

The Army's motto, "An Army of One," is getting a little tired. In light of their efforts to evade EPA regulations and the subsequent ground water contamination, leukemia and such, I think they need something with a little more "zazz." I'll forward this on to Rumsfeld. "The Army: Killing Folk, It's What We Do."

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."

2005-05-11T10:53:00.000-04:00

Slate had an interesting obit on departed stand-up comic Mitch Hedberg. Quite interesting, I thought. I certainly wondered what had become of him since his heyday on "Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist."

Speaking of "Dr. Katz," I've been waiting in vain for some of my favorite TV shows of yore to receive the series DVD treatment. "Scrubs: Season One" will be (finally) released on May 17th, but what of "Duckman"? How much longer will the world be deprived of Dweezil Zappa's greatest performance?

Baseball Woes

2005-05-11T10:18:00.000-04:00

It's been a discouraging few days (months?) for your Seattle Mariners. Though to see the team nationally televised twice in a week is something of a 10-year anomaly, ESPN only scheduled it this way in the hopes that large audiences would tune in to see the Yankees drub the M's (I hope they haven't been disappointed). How humiliating to know that your hometown squad are sacrificial lambs for a $208 million juggernaut. Keep in mind that this is all despite the fact that these two underachievers had strikingly similar woeful records coming into the series. You wouldn't know that by listening to the obsequious banter of Dave O'Brien and Rick Sutcliffe. So, in order to get some sarcastic aggression out before the final game is televised at one (Eastern), Expecting Rain presents "ESPN's Yankee Broadcast Mad-Libs."

1. Derek Jeter is the greatest _______ of the last decade.
2. Jeter only made that error because ______ jinxed him.
3. Despite the fact that he never managed a winner prior to '96, Joe Torre _____ the greatest baseball mind in history.
4. Gosh, _____ Derek Jeter just super?

God v. Microsoft

2005-05-06T17:01:00.000-04:00

Microsoft has flip-flopped again, and is now backing gay-rights legislation in Washington state. It was rumored that an evangelical pastor had threatened a national boycott and that was what caused the mega-corp to temporarily withdraw its support for the bill. How can you boycott Microsoft? That's like boycotting oxygen. Microsoft needs a reality check--they're bigger than Jesus.

Arrrrrrgh.

2005-05-06T16:52:00.000-04:00

Aaaaarrrrgh.
Arggggggh.
Aaaarrrrgh!
Aarrrggggh.

Calm down. Stay mellow. Think happy thoughts. Ahhhhh.

More Manifestation Wackiness

2005-05-06T13:21:00.000-04:00

Just when you thought that Satan's image on the shell of a box turtle and the Virgin Mary appearing on a grilled cheese sandwich were the only manifestations we'd see this decade, the B.V.M. has shown herself again, this time as a mixture of road salt and highway emissions on an underpass on Chicago's Kennedy Expressway. If I was a saint, Interstate 90 is definitely where I'd appear (Seattle to Beantown, baby!) Sadly, some non-believer in miracles has defaced it and now this unimpeachable demonstration of God's love for His children is no more.

I have yet to see any articles on the terrifying visage of John Wilkes Booth that is on a window at 10th and E NW. Is it possible that if it's not Jesus, Satan or Mary, people would just dismiss it as an oddly shaped stain on a piece of glass? I just can't believe that.

Only the Strong Survive

2005-05-06T00:29:00.000-04:00

I am so tired of reading headlines like this one (In Kansas, Darwinism Goes on Trial Once More), that I'd like to put forward a little deal. You can teach creationism if you foresake everything that science has given humanity. Little Jimmy better pray that God cures his infected cut, but you can make damn sure that the Topeka school system won't be shoving some nonsense about evolution down his throat. That seems fair (and it will cull the weak, ensuring only the strong survive).

I'd like something similar imposed now that Bush has signed the so-called "Family Entertainment and Copyright Act." Sure the bill was basically a give-away to Utah-based ClearPlay, Inc., but if Christians don't want their children seeing the naughty bits on DVDs I can see the angle. If they are willing to stop griping about "morals" in entertainment (while Tivo-ing Desperate Housewives), then they can edit all the movies they want, as long as those movies only feature 80's megastar Steve Guttenberg. Everybody wins, and we'd be doing Guttenberg a solid.

(Un)employment Forecast

2005-05-05T23:51:00.000-04:00

Now that I've been out-of-work for a week, it's time for the extended 10-day unemployment forecast. Heading into the weekend, there's a 2% chance of shaving, with showers increasingly sporadic as we head toward Monday. Warm-ups are expected throughout next week, and there appears little chance that we'll see regular pants any time soon. Collared shirts appear increasingly unlikely coming into summer, but with only a 50% chance of laundry, there's no telling what we may see. Winds gusty at 10-20 mph out of the southwest. Highs 0f 68.

A Dilemma

2005-05-02T00:19:00.000-04:00

I really had my mind set on making fun of Sacramento Kings guard Mike Bibby, who is easily the ugliest man in the National Basketball Association (and currently shellacking the Sonics in Game 4 of the first round playoffs). There's more to Bibby than just ugliness though. A visit to his website informed me that he runs a basketball camp at his old high school during the off-season, which is a laudible extra-curricular activity (especially when compared to how Shawn Kemp spends his free time). Yet Bibby's ogrish appearance inspires night terrors in small children. Good thing I quit my job; I now have plenty of time to noodle on just such a dilemma.

[All you Bibby fans might want to check out the following site, now that Ray Allen and the Sonics have sent him home early. http://www.mikebibby.com/tats.htm]

My Resignation Letter

2005-04-29T12:15:00.000-04:00

The following is the reprinted text from my resignation letter from the FTC. Names have been redacted to protect the innocent:

March 10, 2004

Dear Ms. ----------

It is with heavy heart that I must regretfully announce my impending resignation from the Honors Paralegal program of the Bureau of Competition. Though my time here has been rife with excitement and photocopying, I must depart in order to pursue other opportunities in this grand jest we call "Life." A hundred thanks for your trust in initially hiring me, though I wore running shoes to the interview. The 29th of April will be my final day here at the commission.

Thus I leave you with these sage words:

Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets, his hour on the stage
And then is heard no more.

Sincerely,

-eli

Won't Get Fooled Again

2005-04-28T17:31:00.000-04:00

In a pretty amazing development in the world of nature, the Ivory Billed Woodpecker, last seen during World War II, was rediscovered in Arkansas. Long thought to be extinct after logging decimated its habitat, a small population has managed to beat the odds. Commenting on the elusive bird, Interior Secretary Gale Norton was quoted as saying, "Second chances to save wildlife once thought to be extinct are rare. ... We will take advantage of this opportunity." A provision was rushed into the Bush Administration's Healthy Forests Initiative to clear-cut the bird's homerange so that there won't be any more of this silliness about extinction again (no trees means it's easier to see the birds).

To Science!

2005-04-23T02:27:00.000-04:00

If I remember correctly from high school science, when you set out to prove a theory it goes hypothesis-experiment-conclusion. There may have been some other stages involved, but like most of the crap I learned in high school, that's been long since forgotten. At any rate, this week we here at Expecting Rain Labs were testing whether there is such a thing as too much baseball. Purely in the interest of science, I decided to attend three baseball games in three cities in five days. Let's get ready to learn!

My Equipment: nosebleed seats, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, trusty Sox hat, $7 draft beer, Bunsen burner, other sundry items.

Day 1: Oakland, CA. Angels vs. Athletics.
Observations: The Coliseum is not the decrepit pile of crap that I was expecting. The A's fans are few but devoted, more importantly you can bring your own beer into the stadium. Vlad Guerrero is a scary, scary man. Barry Zito's pants are worrisomely tight (aren't you concerned about sperm count, Barry?).
Result: Anaheim 6, Oakland 1

Day 4: Washington, DC. Nationals vs. Marlins.
Observations: RFK Stadium is the worst place in America to watch major league baseball. Despite the many "W" hats, can any of the Washington faithful name a single Nats reliever? Miguel Cabrera turned 22 on game day and makes approximately 10 times what I do. Is Dontrelle Willis the most exciting player in baseball?
Result: Florida 9, Washington 4

Day 5: Baltimore, MD. Orioles vs. Tigers.
Observations: Sammy Sosa doesn't seem to have the same pop in his bat that he did last year (how curious). I should have signed Miguel Tejada to my fantasy team (one more home run that could have been mine). On the mound, Sidney Ponson looks like Curly Howard in a pair of stirrup pants. Camden Yards pretty much beats the crap out of the Coliseum and RFK. My presence at the game does not in fact mean the home team loses. Take that, Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle! Beer man, another Miller Lite!
Result: Detroit 4, Baltimore 8

Conclusions: As to the question of whether there is such a thing as too much baseball, I can only conclude that too much is never enough.

Short Story (25 Words or Less)

2005-04-22T02:10:00.000-04:00

"There's only a one letter difference between 'laughter' and 'slaughter,'" Gerald thought, stepping off the elevator with a high powered rifle in his hands.

One Second Movie Reviews

2005-04-22T01:58:00.000-04:00

In this modern age we are bombarded with more information than is possible for our simian brains to successfully compute. How should we make choices about what to embrace and what to shun? I care a lot about movies, so I've devised a system of "One Second Film Reviews" in order to move things along a little smoother. I based it mostly on my reaction to the title. Thus, for the recently released romantic-comedy starring Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet, the one second review goes a little something like this:

A Lot Like Love is a lot like crap!

This isn't just useful for films in current release. It can also come in handy when deciding which video to rent and/or Netflix. For example:

The Story of Us is a lot like crap!

No need to thank me, my reward's in heaven.

Science Does Something Useful

2005-04-22T01:48:00.000-04:00

Call me crazy, but the discovery of why certain popcorn kernals don't pop is much more significant in my day-to-day life than who the new pope is. Speaking of Benedict XVI, I don't understand how someone who has ascended to a position of absolute power in a strictly hierarchal organization was such a lackluster Nazi.

Modern Times

2005-04-22T01:39:00.000-04:00

I can't ever seem to remember whether it's Orbit gum or Eclipse gum that I like. One is good and the other leaves a distinctive sugary coating on the teeth. They sell them both in the supermarket checkout line. Then I get them mixed up with travel-booking service Orbitz, the ubiquitous pop-up ad/gaming site that is not in any way chewable. Life was simpler when the only gum I chewed came in Topps baseball card packs. Sure it had the consistency and flavor retention of cardboard, but it was something you could depend on, dammit.

The Ideal of Beauty

2005-04-14T01:04:00.000-04:00

While I've often heard women complaining about society's unrealistic expectations for their physical appearance, has it ever occurred to them that we white men might sometimes feel inadequate, too? Isn't it time that somebody stood up for us and the fanciful body types to which we are expected to conform? I speak, of course, of facial hair; whiskers, if you will. If you watch the shows that I do, you probably have noticed that during every commercial break one is bombarded with half a dozen advertisements for shaving products and sundry paraphenalia. These appeal directly to the swarthier among us, but do we see ourselves reflected in the televised mirror? I find it a dubious proposition that any of the actors in these commercials would have much use for a razor. To a man they are all hairless mutants from the Planet Swede. Oh, the pain, the pain. Despair.

On a related note, what the hell is Mitchum anti-perspirant? Might it be designed especially for those who want to smell like pot-smoking, film noir star Robert Mitchum (who was so laid back he makes Peter Fonda look like an ADD kid high on Pixie Stix).

No Mas Sox

2005-04-13T17:16:00.001-04:00

Nobody likes the relative that always gives you socks for Christmas.

In a scene from the film Fever Pitch, now in theaters, Jimmy Fallon introduces himself to Drew Barrymore as "a Red Sox fan," as though the knowledge of Fallon's sports franchise preference will elucidate his character's entire identity to a national audience. To me, that's like introducing yourself as a pedophile. If this is truly the most important element of his personality, then that's just sad and my reaction is to think that the person who self-describes as first and foremost a Sox fan is probably a big asshole. Liking, even loving, the Red Sox is not some archetypal, Joseph Campbell-esque role, but the public knows exactly what it is supposed to mean. You can't get away from it lately, as though the onerous burden of Red Sox fanaticism was Biblical in the degree of suffering it entails. For a brief moment last October, the universe did seem to revolve around Yawkey Way, but I'd like to get off that ride now.

If we strip it down to a purely Moneyball level, removing all sentiment, last year's riveting ALCS was merely the team with the second-highest payroll in baseball defeating the team with the highest payroll. Quite the upset. They then proceded to best a team with a lower payroll in the World Series. And this has spawned dozens of books. Eventually you get what you pay for, unless you are the Mets. But I think we have finally reached critical mass with Sox hysteria. After feasting so well for so long, ESPN has even decided to jump on the backlash bandwagon, with several "so sick of the Sox" articles on Page 2. Some columnists even have the audacity to point out that other cities have gone longer without a World Series title than Boston. They just don't have the publicity machine. Wither the South Siders?

My favorite article on this topic is by David Schoenfield, titled "86 Reasons We Hate You." And like Schoenfield, while I'm fed up, I don't begrudge Sox fans some celebration. I wanted them to win last year. Just don't act like there's never been any success in New England sports. But as I'm sure that I've tried your patience to get you this far, I'll come to my point. It's time Mariners fans got a persona. It shouldn't be all defining, but it should say something about us. To paraphrase the Big Lebowski , "what makes a Mariners fan?" Look no further than entries 12 and 66 in Schoenfield's article. It's all there: the fuming about East Coast bias, the regret for the ones that got away, the pulling for the underdog and underappreciated, the despair of never winning a pennant. Despite the relatively robust payroll and recent success, old school Mariners fans have never left the Kingdome. We hate the Yankees even though there's much more cause to hate the Indians. We cheer Omar Vizquel but boo A-Rod. There is surely more that is escaping me at this late hour, but that's enough baseball for now. I continue to wait patiently for the day when I can casually mention that I'm an M's fan and have the person respond "you poor, pitiful bastard."

Scientist Humor (or Perhaps Not?)

2005-04-13T16:35:00.000-04:00

I'm still trying to figure out whether this is a joke or not. The AP is reporting that three new species of slime-mold beetles have been named after Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld (e.g. Agathidium rumsfeldi). If his quote is meant literally, one of the scientists who named the beetles in honor of these three nincompoops seems to think he has paid them a great compliment, not something most people would associate with an insect that feeds on fungilike slime. The scientist calls Bush, et al. "leaders. . . who have the courage of their convictions and are willing to do the very difficult and unpopular work of living up to principles of freedom and democracy rather than accepting the expedient or popular." Much like the slime-mold beetle, I guess. This is either an amusing jibe at our current administration's attitude toward science or a troubling commentary on the social skills of entomologists. Sometimes this country make no damn sense to me.

The People's Glorious Film Reviews

2005-04-12T23:47:00.000-04:00

Melinda and Melinda
by Borko Naberezhnyi

Borko is being very excited for to see new Woodsy Allen film, Melinda and Melinda. He like his movies very much, especially early, funny ones. Many critic guys are wanting to stomp on Woodsy. Many critic is being like Ned Flanders and say "I like his films, except for that nervous fellow that's always in them." No problems here! He is just director guy and has Will Ferrell for to be stand-in. Some critic guys like this movie. Borko will give own opinion. He knows is no thing such as too many critic.

Movie start with two playwriting guys who argue about "is situation comedy or tragedy"? Why not both? And so is movie cutting between drama and laughy parts. Is fun! Is like is being made up as movie goes along, so maybe is OK that I am not caring about the characters. Is many people in the movie, but Will Ferrell make me laugh twelve times, which is eleven time more than he ever make Borko laugh before. He tell best joke about a ramp Borko ever hear! And Rahda Mitchell is very nice as Melinda. This movie make Borko think more about Woodsy Allen movies that he like and not so much about Woodsy Allen movies that is sucking.

Farrell delivers a line with great pith.

All critic guys are saying that the characters in movie could not be living in such big New York apartments. Apparently is expensive rents there or something? In most apartment in this movie I could be fitting my entire family (including cow and goat), but not my Uncle Vastov. He is too fat to get off couch, so he cannot be leaving to go to New York. Perhaps he will die soon? Maybe critic guys are complaining about size of apartment because they have never seen American television show called "Friends"? Borko does not know.

Clockwatching

2005-04-11T15:17:00.000-04:00

Excerpted from the up-coming memoir, "The Twilight Paralegal":

My identification card has expired. The old ID saw me through the first 13 of my 14 months here. Now they want me to turn in my expired card before I can get a new one, but I'll be damned if I'm going to wear a name-tag while they switch it over. The indignity of it all! I must now do battle with the head of the guards, a Nigerian who considers it great sport to call me by the name of a former Israeli prime minister (with whom I share a phonetically similar surname). Every time he does this, which is every time he sees me, he laughs exactly three times. Hah hah hah. How I will miss that magnificent bastard.

My new card, which I will have for one month, expires in 2009. Do they know something I don't? Barring that, a baker's dozen of work days is the barrier between me and the guys who sit out in front of Union Station with Dixie cups. Up here in the fortress of solitude (a.k.a. my seventh floor cubicle), all is peaceful. Padded walls of fabric and acoustical tiling bound my work existence. Looking around at the detritus of 13 months of work, pens and papers and post-it notes and other non-alliterative items, I spy an old yogurt container. Yes, that was a good yogurt. Banana and strawberry are a winning combination.

If I left my cubicle and walked down the hall, I would see the sun shining. It's 3:41 on a Monday afternoon. Maybe I should do some work today. Or perhaps I will continue to create small sculptures out of binder clips or mold paper clips into whimsical animal shapes. I already have a rabbit and a giraffe. I must now ponder the similarity in form and function between a staple remover and a saber-toothed tiger.

So many questions remain about the world, none of which have been answered by my time in the law biz. Will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark? Will actress Selma Blair ever smile? Can I ever find a work activity more professionally satisfying than using the automatic stapler? Despair.

Fantasy Draft Misery

2005-04-11T13:25:00.000-04:00

Starting in center field...some random dude.

Since I've never shied away from self-flagellation on this blog, I'd like to present the outfield of my rotisserie fantasy baseball team, the Lefebvre Believers. You might call them the pride of the AL Central, if that wasn't an oxymoron. In my own defense, I was working on only an hour of sleep and didn't start drafting outfielders until the afternoon of an 8 hour marathon draft. I was also in the grips of a relapse into Diet Coke abuse. If it's any consolation to me, I didn't spend much money on them. But enough about that. There's always next year, I guess.

Frank Catalanotto
Shannon Stewart
Terrence Long
Matt Stairs
Chris Singleton

in which Our hero has a quasi-religious Experience before discovering the one True faith

2005-04-04T23:38:00.000-04:00

Seems there's this thing called religion, been getting a lot of play lately. But even though I'm considered a wild-card candidate for the next Pope, along with Lubomyr Husar and Oscar Andres Rodriguez Maradiaga, that's not what I'm here to talk about.

As mentioned in a previous post, I was on a never-ending search for the elusive Cadbury Cream Egg. With Easter a distant memory, it seemed all hope was lost. Easter '06 or a trans-Atlantic flight where my only hopes of sweet, eggy goo. In times of strife, I've often heard people speak of a guardian angel. My guardian angel apparently goes by the name Sucrose, because this weekend, as if by divine providence, I found a lone egg in the bargain rack at a Target in Virginia. It was nestled between the fake grass and a bunny filled with M&M's. I picked it up with trepidation, afraid the delightful foil rapper, with its jaunty primary colors, would yield no egg. But those chicks on the wrapper didn't lie. It was just like when Indiana Jones found that gold monkey in Raiders, except that the whole adventure didn't end with Nazis melting like Cream Eggs in a microwave. The holy grail was in my hands--and it was delicious.

On a similar note of near-religiousity, today was opening day for your new look Seattle Mariners. After the trials of listening to Jon Miller and Joe Morgan butcher their way through yet another Yankees/Red Sox telecast on ESPN, the dulcet tones of Dave Henderson doing color commentary were pure pleasure. Ichiro singled to start the bottom of the first, Beltre reached on an error and Richie Sexson launched a slider that didn't slide out into the left field bleachers. Mariners win! Hallelujah! Because Jesus might save, but so does Eddie Guardado.

Know Your Rodents (For Reals This Time)

2005-04-02T03:47:00.000-05:00

Don't call me "Crash"

Although you have a better chance of seeing Ratt than the bandicoot rat, we present this giant rodent of southern Asia. This hardy speciman is not related to the marsupial bandicoot of Australia; if the mistake is ever made, please edify your misguided companion by telling him or her, "Dude, the bandicoot rat is totally in the order Rodentia, not Marsupialia. You're just embarrasing yourself, man."

As if Bangladesh didn't have enough problems, what with being in a low-lying river delta and all, the bandicoot rat is an agricultural pest who enjoys raiding grain silos and gardens. The bandicoot rat is alsoknown for the pig-like grunts that it emits when attacked, much like Speaker of the House Denis J. Hastert (R-Ill.). I try to resist comparing Republican leadership to rodents, but I just can't help myself.

Go, Feds!

2005-04-02T02:23:00.000-05:00

April, as T.S. Eliot said, is the cruellest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring tourists from their sleepy middlewestern towns. With the city now inundated by sweatshirted dads, haggard moms and numerous wandering children, it is worth commenting upon the continuing phenomenon of the CIA and FBI hats. These black caps with white stitching (no doubt made by the baseball cap crafts-men, women and children of China) are hawked from makeshift souvenir stands near any tourist trap or Smithsonian museum. On the surface, wearing clothing in support of your national spy agency or federal investigatory bureau isn't any more or less strange than sporting a Packers cap or Georgetown Law sweatshirt (even if it does remind me of Michael Keaton's FBI agent in Out of Sight being asked if he has a shirt that says "undercover"). It's not as though by wearing the cap you imply that you work as a spy. Those who choose to wear, for instance, a fashionable Milwaukee Brewers cap may support the overall organizational goals, but are not actually members of the team (although frankly my grandmother could be their number five starter, so don't give up hope).

Still, one would think that the popularity of said caps would have diminished now that the shine has come off our national spy and investigative agencies. The CIA has been revealed as an inept bureaucracy of desk jockies eager to stove-pipe faulty intelligence to the administration. The FBI, once home to do-gooders Mulder, Scully and Clarice Starling, is apparently so out of it that they are still finding evidence from the Oklahoma City bombings ten years later(!). Apparently an anonymous tipster phoned in to tell them to do a full check at Terry Nichols's house. I guess if there are people who continue to harbor hope for the Brewers, then perhaps the good people of the Hoover Building and Langley could use a little love as well.

Know Your Rodents

2005-03-31T15:04:00.000-05:00

How do you like our quasi-futuristic font?

Today's rodent-you-should-know-better is Ratt, one of the more laughably named multi-platinum heavy metal acts of the 1980s. Their hair is very pretty, don't you think? Formed in Los Angeles, their major label debut on Atlantic, thoughtfully titled Out of the Cellar (not exactly Beggar's Banquet, is it?), sold more than 3 million copies to headbangers and 12-year-old girls in 1984. Ratt continues to record and tour, but you wouldn't know it unless one of their venues burned down or they were arrested in some especially scandalous manner. In terms of album sales Ratt remains the number one rodent-related band, having easily outsold Modest Mouse and Alvin & The Chipmunks.

Cream Egg Resurrection

2005-03-30T16:14:00.000-05:00

I have a little Easter tradition that seems in danger of being snuffed this year. The Easter season is always accompanied by the return, the "resurrection" if you will, of the Cadbury Cream Egg. Across the Atlantic in the Jolly Olde, you can get Cream Eggs year 'round. Here in the States, they are a seasonal phenomenon. This makes it that much more important to consume one delicious egg a year (and to let the teeth-aching rush of sugar remind me why eating them is an annual deed).

Perhaps it was the Cadbury commercials in my youth (those with the clucking rabbit) that first hooked me, but the pursuit of the egg has become all-important. I can't abide a Peep. It's not a bizarre, elaborate ritual or anything like that. Although the Cadbury website encourages me to "Dip in the goo to unleash your naughty, playful side!", I prefer to consume the egg in a more traditional and less creepy way. But although I've searched high and low this season, apparently I missed the boat. There is nary a cream egg to be found (except for the obviously inferior knock-offs). The equilibrium of the year will be thrown off unless I find my egg. I'd hate for this to become some kind of Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle-type saga, but after checking at three grocery stores and two CVS's, that's what it's turning into. Despair.

Nerd Alert

2005-03-29T16:44:00.000-05:00

The New York Times reported today that the world's largest prime number has been discovered. The number, written in exponential shorthand, is (drumroll, please) 225,964,951-1! It has 7,816,230 digits! It is also one of the very rare group called Mersenne primes, which can be written as 2n-1 where n is also prime. Gosh, isn't it all so exciting!

You can get back to your day now, secure in the knowledge that if you're ever asked what the number 225,964,951-1 is divisible by, you can answer, "Only by 1 and itself. That shit is prime, bi-yatch!"