Hall of Un-Fame

Class of '04

As anybody who has perused the StarTracks section of People or US Weekly magazine could tell you, we have reached a critical mass of celebrity here in America. But this no longer assaults us solely whilst we're in the supermarket checkout line. The twin phenomena of desperate cable television programmers and reality TV has spawned an underclass of "reality" celebrities and recycled former stars padding their fifteen minutes. Thus, with the public's interest in mind, I propose we begin eliminating celebrites. While one's first thoughts on this subject might involve releasing David Hasselhoff, Ashton Kutcher and Gwen Stefani into the north Wisconsin woods to be pursued by hunters and wolves, this is not my proposal (Although it wouldn't be a bad idea for a reality TV show. Get me Mark Burnett on the phone). This would be more of a contraction arrangement, similar to Bud Selig's plans for the Minnesota Twins, only not evil.

I propose to found a Hall of Un-Fame, wherein well-known individuals who have exhausted their cultural usefulness would be retired, thus removing the burden of remembering who they are when they're arrested for drunk driving. The museum could be located in Wahoo, Nebraska (briefly famous as the home office of the David Letterman's Top 10 lists back in 1996).

For the inaugural class of 2004, I nominate Sean Combs (aka Puff Daddy aka P. Diddy), Tracy Gold, James van der Beek and Fred Durst.

F. Scott Fitzgerald's observation that "there are no second acts in American lives" may be the most famous erroneous statement in American letters, but isn't it time that we gave it a shot?