Won't Be Leaving the House Anytime Soon

Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right A B

Wednesday night at 1:30 a.m., in the guise of a three-story tall ape, I laid waste to the city of LaCrosse, Wisconsin.

As many of you probably figured out from that last sentence, I have figured out how to download NES games onto my computer, thus negating any need to do something with my life. And lo, though we creep ever more steadily toward 2005, I never have to leave 1987. I have outwitted time, not to mention the Hawaiian MLB franchise in "Bases Loaded," and now reign god-like over an 8-bit universe. I have defeated the Red Falcon menace of "Contra," without resorting to the Konami code. As mentioned above, in "Rampage" I have destroyed the better portion of the western United States. And, soon, very soon, I shall defeat Iron Mike.

As I make my way through "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Arcade Game," it becomes clear that I've never really progressed beyond a two-button gaming system. Any of the 128-bit systems today overwhelm me with their 3D worlds and complex functions. The world of early Nintendo is so innocent. I've been playing "Contra" constantly, mostly because it was denied me as a child ("Too violent," said the parents). But oh, dear Father and Mother, you could not envision "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City" lurking in the near future. Where have you gone, Mega Man, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you.