Objections

It's been an interesting week on the jurisprudence front. In a real shocker, Robert Blake was acquitted. I take personal responsibility for this. A couple weeks ago I mentioned his case and didn't say "allegedly" when I alluded to him shooting his wife in the head. I obviously jinxed the verdict, because he had the weakest alibi I've ever heard ("I left my gun in the restaurant, and when I went back to get it an attacker chose that very moment to shoot my wife in the head."). It was even worse than Scott Peterson's.

Blake mentioned that he's broke, which hiring a good lawyer will do to you, and needs work. If I had Dick Wolf's phone number I'd give him a call with my idea for the latest Law & Order spin-off. Law & Order: Criminal Negligence would star OJ Simpson and Robert Blake as crime solvers extraordinaire. When they arrest somebody, they'd give the old Baretta catchphrase, "You do the crime, you do the time," and then lapse into uncontrollable giggling.

Out here in Washington Town, the 109th United States Congress, when not giving Sammy Sosa a venue to perjure himself, has been busy breaking down the authority of the courts to score cheap points with the nation's second most ridiculous interest group, The Christian Right (the most ridiculous interest group has got to be the Miami Cubans. Castro's gonna die sometime, people, chill out). The New Yorker had a piece last week on this well-publicized fallacy that Christian values and rights are being persecuted from all sides. For all the evangelicals with a Christ complex who are convinced the world is aligned against them, I'll try to clarify things for you: This is a martyrdom, this is not.

But I digress. Proving there's a first time for everything, Bushie-Bush cut his vacation short to fly back to Congress and sign a bill singling out one person for special treatment and voiding 15 years of Florida state court decisions. I'm so sick of this Terri Schiavo mess that I'm ready to recommend somebody handy with a pillow put the Ari Fleischer Plan into effect. However, if Congress wants to get personal, I can see the angles. I'll be busy drafting the "Eli Gets a Million Dollars Act of 2005" and sending it to my senator. Since the passage of my bill is assured (after a rider attaching funds for highway construction in Iowa, of course), my ultimate dream of obtaining a solid gold Jet Ski is finally within reach.