Some Observations from Abroad

In the years since I last went abroad, there has been a veritable sea change, with one figure now virtually ubiquitous across the planet. This cult of personality, billions strong, stretches from the suburbs of Houston to the remote provinces of the Developing World (which is what we used to call the "Third World". I have a theory that this designation has changed not out of politcal correctness but because everybody was always asking where the "Second World" was. Was it India? Egypt? Scranton? But I digress).

So who is this influential figure, straddling oceans like some latter-day Colossus of Rhodes? No, it's not Jesus or Pope Benedict XVI or even Che Guevera. It's Spongebob Squarepants. Though one might think he's limited by a television signal, his empire of t-shirts, backpacks and sundry paraphenalia stretches even beyond the reaches of electricty. His beatific, Mao-like visage was spotted in a remote Maya village near Guatemala. Spongebob's bootlegged movie, a Kane-like study of his rise to power, can be found for sale on streets the world over. When the little children do inherit the earth, he will be the one to lead them. All hail, Spongebob.

In other news, I would like to report that Nescafe tastes like used coffee grounds mixed with piss.