Borko at the Cinema

Kingdom of Heaven
by Borko Naberezhnyi

Borko is thinking like Ridley Scott--now is being perfect time for movie about Christians invading Holy Land. What could be being better! I am being riveted!

Movie is starting in 1148 AD, where Orlando Bloom is blacksmith guy. Life is very bad. He probably poo in a pot. His dad (Liam Neeson) come to take him to Jerusalem, but they have never been meeted! If Borko was Liam, I ask for paternity test. Bloom does not look like his bastard! Look at noses! On way to Holy Land, is much misfortunes. Sword battles and killings and shipwrecks in desert lands. Borko is thinking Shakespeare guy should be getting assist on script. All battles are being shot with Ridley Scott fight-scene trademark known to Borko as"incoherence." I am not knowing what it happening! It make the brain to be sleeping.

Once in Holy Land, is more complications. Some want war, some no war. Orlando hit it with princess. Accents are being very indeterminate. Blah, blah. There is some Frenchy guy who is villain. He is having unfortunate resemblence to Tim Curry in Spamalot. When he call guy "blasphemer" it make Borko think of Life of Brian. Hard to be taking serious. Movie is pretty but also is being pretty boring!

Orlando end up fighting Saladin, a famous Arab guy, for Jerusalem. Saladin is being played by actor from Syria, Ghassan Massoud. He is being one smooth dude. Character look familiar. No other critic guy is having sack to say it so Borko must: Ghassan give off real strong Osama vibe.

Moral of story at end is can we not all be getting along? I am thinking there is still being some disagreements in the Middle East. Answer is apparently "no."