Auto-eroticism

Performs best while parked

We're pleased to introduce a new feature here at "Expecting Rain": car reviews. We plan to make this a regular feature...as regularly as we rent cars, which means biennially. The fine automobile we'll be reviewing today is the Kia Rio, or, as we shall refer to it in this space, "La Poderosa." The MSRP of the Rio is $10,390, which coincidentally is also the asking price of a healthy white baby on the black market.

We had the pleasure of taking La Poderosa through its paces on the streets and freeways of Southern California, site of so many memorable car chases from Hollywood films and also "World's Wildest Police Videos." However, without the reassuring voice-over work of Sherriff John Bunnell or Michael Bay's Tourette's Syndrome editing, the experience was found lacking.

The acceleration and handling leave much to be desired, and the compact body fails to intimidate as sports cars bedecked in primary colors and superfluous spoilers passed on all sides. A little more intimidation factor couldn't have hurt when we were aced out of that parking spot in Westwood, either.

Although trunk space is ample, the leg room in the back seat is insufficient for all except perhaps former Georgia senator Max Cleland. Thus, unless one is a struggling actor with no self-respect to begin with, La Poderosa is not the way to go if one is planning on rolling down the mean streets of Compton or the gilded avenues of Beverly Hills.

In conclusion, one would be better served by dropping ten grand on a healthy white baby, which incidentally holds its Private Party Resale Value better than the Rio.