Thrown to the Lions

It's possible that you may have heard some people use the term "conservative values" on television lately. "Conservative values," you say, "what does that mean?" I'm glad you asked. Conservative values harken back to a time when people were untroubled by racial and sexual minorities, social inequality, and impure thoughts. Life was much like 1950s television. And just like "Father Knows Best" and "Leave It to Beaver," the time when conservative values reigned supreme in our fair land is completely fictional.

The mere fact that something is fictional does not mean that people will not feel unjustly deprived of it. So it is with the floggers of "values"; they rile up ignorant people by shrieking that shady types (probably hippies) are going to "take" their values from them. I'm not sure that this act is physically possible, but if anyone is dastardly enough to pull it off, it's hippies.

This brings me, roundaboutly, to Frank Rich's astute editorial about how, it's rumored, the Jews and the secularists are out to "steal" Christmas. This could be the plot of a wacky holiday comedy starring Randy Quaid and Tia Carrere, but according to the TBN set, it's cause for major alarm. Now, unlike "values," Christmas is real. I've seen it myself, even taken days off for it. But by using isolated, trumped-up incidents of taking the Christ out of Christmas, these so-called religious conservatives argue that soon the holiday will be swiped from our unsuspecting, god-fearing homes (just like their daddy took away their favorite stuffed animal, Mr. Wuffles, when they were high-school juniors and called them a "sissy boy").

The Christians who worry about such things have clearly not advanced past the persecutions by Rome in the Second Century. They don't need to hide in caves anymore. If they haven't noticed, they have been the undisputed asskickers of the world for the past 100 years. They live in a country that's majority Christian, and not by a small margin. Don't they remember the conquest of the New World? They won when God smited all the pagan Indians with smallpox and TB, and now Christians run the place. They're everywhere, and in no danger of disappearing. So guys, relax, don't be afraid. Have some eggnog, or whatever it is religious nutjobs like Jerry Falwell drink when they're not gay-bashing (my personal guess is their own urine).