No Mas Sox

Nobody likes the relative that always gives you socks for Christmas.

In a scene from the film Fever Pitch, now in theaters, Jimmy Fallon introduces himself to Drew Barrymore as "a Red Sox fan," as though the knowledge of Fallon's sports franchise preference will elucidate his character's entire identity to a national audience. To me, that's like introducing yourself as a pedophile. If this is truly the most important element of his personality, then that's just sad and my reaction is to think that the person who self-describes as first and foremost a Sox fan is probably a big asshole. Liking, even loving, the Red Sox is not some archetypal, Joseph Campbell-esque role, but the public knows exactly what it is supposed to mean. You can't get away from it lately, as though the onerous burden of Red Sox fanaticism was Biblical in the degree of suffering it entails. For a brief moment last October, the universe did seem to revolve around Yawkey Way, but I'd like to get off that ride now.

If we strip it down to a purely Moneyball level, removing all sentiment, last year's riveting ALCS was merely the team with the second-highest payroll in baseball defeating the team with the highest payroll. Quite the upset. They then proceded to best a team with a lower payroll in the World Series. And this has spawned dozens of books. Eventually you get what you pay for, unless you are the Mets. But I think we have finally reached critical mass with Sox hysteria. After feasting so well for so long, ESPN has even decided to jump on the backlash bandwagon, with several "so sick of the Sox" articles on Page 2. Some columnists even have the audacity to point out that other cities have gone longer without a World Series title than Boston. They just don't have the publicity machine. Wither the South Siders?

My favorite article on this topic is by David Schoenfield, titled "86 Reasons We Hate You." And like Schoenfield, while I'm fed up, I don't begrudge Sox fans some celebration. I wanted them to win last year. Just don't act like there's never been any success in New England sports. But as I'm sure that I've tried your patience to get you this far, I'll come to my point. It's time Mariners fans got a persona. It shouldn't be all defining, but it should say something about us. To paraphrase the Big Lebowski , "what makes a Mariners fan?" Look no further than entries 12 and 66 in Schoenfield's article. It's all there: the fuming about East Coast bias, the regret for the ones that got away, the pulling for the underdog and underappreciated, the despair of never winning a pennant. Despite the relatively robust payroll and recent success, old school Mariners fans have never left the Kingdome. We hate the Yankees even though there's much more cause to hate the Indians. We cheer Omar Vizquel but boo A-Rod. There is surely more that is escaping me at this late hour, but that's enough baseball for now. I continue to wait patiently for the day when I can casually mention that I'm an M's fan and have the person respond "you poor, pitiful bastard."