Most Valuable Pujols

Thank you, Jesus, for letting me hit that curveball 500 ft.

Big ups to Albert Pujols, 26-year-old Cardinals phenom and 2005's National League MVP. As anyone who saw him take Brad Lidge deep in Game 6 of the ALDS knows, Pujols is a beast at the plate. Sadly, this award reveals to the non-St. Louis audience that his skills as an orator are positively, well, Bushesque. When asked to comment on the new steroids restrictions passed yesterday, he had this to say:

"I think that if you get caught the third time, I mean that's real bad, you should get abandoned from the game. You shouldn't be able to be caught the third time because after the first time, if you don't learn from that, from 50 games that you sit down without getting paid, that's pretty bad."

Stick with first-base, kid.