Welcome Back (Your dreams were your ticket out)

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

A Perfect Ending?

Since you asked, here's my prediction for tonight's game: Red Sox win. Simple as that. Derek Lowe puts in another yeoman's performance and the "Idiots" swarm Busch Stadium's infield. The Pedro-Manny Hair Shake sweeps the nation. Kevin Millar's facial hair is the Rachel Cut for Men. Johnny Damon walks on the water. And why will this happen? Why, after twin LCS nailbiters and the clash of baseball's two hittingest teams, will the Series end with a whimper rather than a bang? Because after all the decades of hype (86 years, or so I hear), a spectacular anticlimax will give Red Sox Nation something to complain about over the long winter.

There's more than just that, of course, to make a Sox sweep all but assured. Everything is going topsy-turvy, so why shouldn't the Sox take it in four? I mean, in a single game Manny Ramirez AND David Ortiz turn fine defensive plays? The Sox are lucky if that happens once a season. It doesn't help matters for the St. Louis faithful that the Cardinal's vaunted middle of the order is hitting like the Devil Rays' B-Squad.

Of course, it's certainly possible that in my prediction I've jinxed the Sox and they'll proceed to lose four straight. But the bewilderment of a incomprehensible Red Sox sweep is, in my humble opinion, par for the course. At this rate, they may well track down those elusive WMD's. When the sun rises tomorrow, anything'll be possible.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Dear Diary, Cont'd...

The spoon has snapped in half! All is darkness. I'm an insignificant speck stranded on a has-been planet orbiting a cold, indifferent sun.

Despair.

Dear Diary...

Attempting to eat a pear for lunch, I discovered that the beveled edge of my plastic spoon handle can be used as a knife, thus resulting in pear slices. My life begins today!

Friday, October 22, 2004

Boston Victory Assured

I wrote a long post about the Curse of A-Rod and the pure joy of the David Ortiz Game 5 steal, but for some reason it's been dispatched to Internet purgatory. So it goes.

As it stands, I'll be the first to throw my support behind the prediction of Bill "Spaceman" Lee, who forecasted that the Red Sox will triumph over the Cardinals in three and a half-games. To quote the man himself, after the ALCS "all karmic energy will transfer to north of New York City" and the Cardinals, so distraught after trouncings in the first three match-ups, will refuse to take the field for the final four innings of game 4.

The Red Sox certainly seem to have the momentum, but I do fear the middle of the Cardinals line-up.

Friday, October 15, 2004

Hey Kids, It's the Word of the Day

Today's word is:
tau·tol·o·gy: An empty or vacuous statement composed of simpler statements in a fashion that makes it logically true whether the simpler statements are factually true or false.

For example: "These documents show clearly that the President of the United States fulfilled his duties. And that is the reason that he was honorably discharged from the National Guard."

Thanks, Scott McClellan.

Take That, Diamond Cam!

In the only display of Yankee respect you are ever likely to see on this blog, big ups to Jorge Posada for "abusing" Fox's Diamond Cam during the ALCS. I've never had much nice to say about Posada, but at the same time I have never hated him with the white hot fury reserved for, say, Scott Brosius.

The Diamond Cam is one of the silliest innovations because it creates a point-of-view that no one associates with watching baseball (unless one is accustomed to laying face-up on home plate during an AB). It is almost as stupid as "miking" the bases, which brings to the home viewer the sensation they all secretly crave: the sound of Carlos Beltran sliding cleats up into your skull.

Fox could save on technology if they improved the quality of their commentating, although this problem is so systemic (I'm looking at you Joe Morgan and John Miller) that it's not worth singling one network out.

Could Have Been a Contender

As you can see, John McCain, totemistic Mini-Me of both the left and the right, is none too pleased about being Bush's prop when King George gets desperate enough to actually speak to the press. On the CNN video, McCain had the slightly queasy look of someone forced into making contact with the sufferer of a particularly gruesome disease (such as leprosy).

Just tell it straight, John, we'll understand.

Kerry Lesbo Shocker!!!

Ever since Iowa, when suddenly it looked like this Kerry fella wasn't going to be somebody's running mate runner-up and might actually have a shot, the Bushies have been pedaling distraction stories to keep the heat off themselves. Am I the only one who remembers the faux intern affair story distributed far and wide, where they tried to equate him with everybody's favorite ex-pres, Billy Boy?

Now let's be honest, Karl Rove is good at his job and this tactic has worked on other Kerry stories of dubious value (SDVs). Medals vs. ribbons, anybody? But since this global test thing isn't flying (especially now that it's been refined to a "truth test" without George sensing the difference: search "truth" on the transcript or see Will Saletan's column), it's now Cheney lesbian-mania. As I mentioned on a previous post, this appears to be the only thing from the third debate that anyone is paying attention to. A quick perusal of Faux News this morning told me everything I needed to know about Kerry being "a bad man" and Dick Cheney fuming as only he can: "You saw a man who will say and do anything in order to get elected." To be blunt: pot kettle black.

Like I said, this was stupid of Kerry, just as it was for Edwards. The fact that they have nothing to gain from it is the only plausible defense (it's not as though Dick and Lynne lock Mary in the basement when company's over). And why are they so quick to assume it's a smear? Maybe they've been spending to much time with the wrong crowd.

But the elite media, excepting of course Fox News and the New York Post (from whom I've taken my inspiration for this post title), still has yet to extricate its head from its ass. The right wing machine has its own Orwellian version of the truth, so that's not even worth bothering about.

Thus, more of the same distraction for another week. Why isn't anybody reporting on the fairly stunning fact that Kerry swept the debates, quite handily. That, and I'm seeing truly very little discussion on the glob of spittle that resided in the right corner of Bush's mouth throughout the debates. Now there's a story.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

What Took Me So Long?

I meant to mention this earlier, but it makes me madder than heck when people refuse to give Ichiro his propers just because he ain't Barry Bonds. If you break a record that has stood for 84 years, that must mean it's pretty hard to do. Also, if we take a look at season-hits record, the 10 guys below Ichiro all played in the 20's and 30's, save for one guy (here's a hint: it's also Ichiro!). I won't even go into the obvious differences in field dimensions, glove and bat technology, and pitching specialization.

Now, I'm not saying that he should win the MVP (that would be Senor Guerrero), but all these fools on ESPN.com and FoxSports are just haters. There, I've gotten it out of my system (two weeks late), and now I can watch the Red Sox blow it in peace.

In other sporting news, here's an amusing article on the ever-popular subject of hideous baseball uniforms. I've often mentioned that I think the late-70s and early-80s were the greatest period for ugly uniforms. There are too many to go into here, and perhaps I'll do a better job of parsing it later, but I'll leave you with these undisputable arguments: Pirates, Padres and Astros. Need I say more?

Undecideds, Decide!

Tavis Smiley (last night on ABC) has joined the Daily Show in stating that undecided voters are just out for attention. Can't these people get booked on the Springer show, instead?

More Fuzzy Debate Observations

Freudian Slip of the Night:

When asked who bears responsibility for the increase in health care costs over the past four years:

Bush: "Gosh, I sure hope it's not the administration."

Also, since I'm the only person in America spreading the could-be-true rumor that Zach from "Saved by the Bell" was killed in a bizarre boating accident (a la Natalie Wood), I am most intrigued by the strangely plausible, burgeoning distraction related to Bush's Bulge. Salon is on it.

One more thing: if Bush/Cheney '04 weren't so arrogant, they might have learned something from their fun with John Kerry's "voted for it before I voted against it" hoopla. This campaign is rumored to know how to play the 24-hour media news cycle, but apparently they haven't figured out that if you're going to tell a lie, first make sure there isn't video footage of you contradicting yourself. Whoops.

Moral Relativism Alert

Watching the debates, I wasn't able to pin down the moment that the Republican spinners were going to seize on to distract from what actually transpired last night. As of this morning, looks like it's going to be Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter. Yes, in answering a question about whether homosexuality is innate, Kerry picked up that pink football and did the Icky Shuffle. Was this stupid, crass and unnecessary? Si.

However, is this the worst thing that was said? It's true for one, and shouldn't even be an issue if not for Republicans pounding this "gay marriage" wedge. At least Kerry squared up to the question, rather than dodging it with some nonsense about abortion or education (or should I say "culture of life").

I just don't think handwringing is going to help anything.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Congratulations...

to Yaser Hamdi!
Nobody has any idea what you were doing in Afghanistan, and now we never will. After nearly three years incommunicado, you're flying back to Saudi Arabia on Uncle Sam's buck. Whoops!

Not only have my tax dollars paid to keep you, a US citizen, locked up for three years without attorney, but now they're paying for some honey-roasted peanuts for the long flight back. Order a scotch and soda on me, kid.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

My Fantastic Pregnant Teens Plan



I have a great plan for stopping teen pregnacy. It's a public service announcement starring respected consumer advocate Ralph Nader:

Long shot. NADER and an obviously pregnant teen are standing against a black background.

TEEN: But Ralph, how can I be pregnant? He told me that he loved me.
NADER: Baby, he don't love you. Make him wear that jimmy hat.

If there's one thing that the young people of America respect, it's the casual cool of Ralph Nader.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Give 'Til It Hurts, Part 2

A few days after donating blood, Sarah from the Red Cross called me to tell me that my platelets count was high. Of course, my first thought was that I had cancer (or possibly Chagas disease, which I am inordinately concerned about). But no, I was assured this is actually a good thing. It made sense when I remembered what platelets actually do (I've never been much of a bleeder).

Day before yesterday I headed out to Red Cross Headquarters (a Masonic looking monstrosity near Foggy Bottom) to submit myself to apheresis. Have you ever read "The Martian Chronicles"? I read it back in third grade, but I remember there was a machine the Martians used to clean the blood that involved removing it all with a futuristic "machine," cleaning it and then putting it all back in. Apheresis is remarkably similar.

I was given the option of one needle or two (one in either arm), and referencing back to my previous post, my choice was obvious. It's never reassuring to me when they have to mark the vein with pen like a target. It strikes me that they're going to try and hit it from ten paces or some such thing.

I'm still not exactly sure how blood is removed from my vein and returned through the same needle (minus platelets), but I suppose I don't need to know. It involves three tubes and a gray plastic box that emits Apple II-esque beeps when it's hungry for my blood. The craziest part is that the blood loses heat while it's outside of the body. The effect is something close to refrigeration, like getting a Jello to set.

It took about an hour and a half, but they gave me a choice of movies. I chose "Young Frankenstein," which now that I think of it was an odd pick. They told me to avoid heavy lifting, so I limited it to lifting beers.




Some Historical Perspective

All things considered, I'm glad I'm not a Russian peasant during Collectivization (1930 - 1937). No matter how bad a day I have at the office, I don't have to come home and eat my own children. A more typical dinner is frozen pizza with pineapple. Andrew has pointed out to me that cannabalism is really a very inefficient way to produce food. No wonder they were starving.

Speaking of...

Speaking of El Che, here's an interesting interview with one of the CIA agents who gave him up to the Bolivians, Watergate burglar E. Howard Hunt. Notice how agitated he gets when the Kennedy assassination comes up. Spooky.

Red Menace


Doesn't the star in the upper-left hand corner of this page make the blog appear vaguely Communist? I wish there was another reason for me choosing this particular template, but I can't say there is. Viva el Che!

Give 'Til It Hurts, Part 1

Last month I donated a pint of blood to the American Red Cross. It's not as though I'm an especially good person or anything; it's just a cheap high.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

First Thoughts...

Am I utterly alone in this world? If so, then why is it so hard to find pants in my size at The Gap?
Despair.