Dirty Old Men

"Quit yer dawdling on that perscription, whippersnapper!"

When I see a headline like this, "FDA Gets Reports of Blindness Tied to Male Impotence Drugs," my concern is that we'll jump to the wrong conclusions. Perhaps blindness isn't a vile side-effect of Viagra and Cialis, at all. What I'm getting at is this: maybe the reason Grandpa's spending all that time in the bathroom isn't because he's run out of Metamucil. If "hair growth on the palms" is listed as the next unforeseen side-effect, then I think we'll know what the real culprit is.

Give Hate A Chance

What segue could possibly connect these two?

One recent evening, after a longish day freelancing for MTV, I sat upon the couch and spent three hours reading Sarah Vowell's "Take the Cannoli." Subtitled "Stories From the New World," this book had been highly recommended to me, with often hyperbolic praise. To call an author "funnier than David Sedaris" is an inflammatory claim, and after thorough comparison I can only respond: eh, not so much.

Vowell's strongest work focuses on history, a subject upon which she can often be found expounding on National Public Radio. The stories about her father's cannon and Chicago's Michigan Avenue Bridge were quite good. Ironically, the past is also the subject of her weakest essay, focussing on the Cherokee Trail of Tears. In discussing this sad chapter of our nation's history, Vowell reveals an almost pathological hatred of Andrew Jackson that sends the essay completely off the rails. She really, really hates Andrew Jackson (yes, the guy on the twenty). At first I was a little baffled by this; it's not often you hear people walking around declaiming "Curse thee, Martin Van Buren!" Seems if you were one of the first 25 presidents, you mostly get a free ride these days. But Vowell really has it in for Andrew Jackson. Apparently, get this, a white man broke a truce with Native Americans, then caused a great many of them to die. The way she presents it, this comes off like one of the great exceptions of history.

Perhaps I'm being too tough on Sarah. In this cacophonous day and age, maybe we need to vent some aggression at the high-profile and mighty. I'm not suggesting this in a "The Assassination of Richard Nixon" way, but, as The Jefferson Airplane might say: "Wouldn't you love somebody to hate?" I'm game for a try. I will focussing some of my frustrations with everyday life at San Antonio Spurs guard Manu Ginobili. Here goes...dumb, Bronson-Pinchot-looking motherf****r. Someday your flopping and fakery shall come back to haunt you!

Sing Out!

Only a pawn in their game?

Bush's taste in music runs more to Kenny Chesney than Pete Seeger, but El Presidente appears to have inspired a revival of the protest song. Will this be his great legacy to the arts?

Beginning with Woodie Guthrie in the Dustbowl '30s, the protest song reached its acme in the late-50s and early '60s, although folk singers were still getting killed on the charts by Frankie Avalon. Recent world events (and you know what I'm talking about) appear to have resuscitated the form, Lazarus-like, from the dead.

I first became aware of this phenomenon in early 2002, at a Dan Bern concert in Minneapolis. Bern performed a little ditty called "Talking Al Kida Blues." There has been a veritable flowering since then, Pearl Jam's "Bushleauger" being an apt example (also see The Decemberist's "16 Military Wives"). Though this particular art form has a shorter shelf-life than cottage cheese, when well done it can still be kind of rousing.

Thus we come to a laudable addition to the protest song canon, "When the President Talks to God," by Bright Eyes (a.k.a. Conor Oberst). A pretty scathing performance from "The Tonight Show"(!) can be found here. It's not quite "Only A Pawn In Their Game," but somewhere Phil Ochs is smiling.

Noodlings

When you don't have a job, you spend a lot of time noodling on the various mysteries of life. I'll give you an example of how I've been occupying my time. Thought: who was the first person to look at a lobster and say to himself, "now I bet that'd be good to eat. If I just crack open the hard, spiky exterior and avoid all those eyes and antennae, I bet there's some fine dining to be had." I wonder sometimes if humankind is still capable of such amazing leaps of faith.

A New Feature

Miguel Olivo prudently watches his back

Always eager to provide a public service, we here at Expecting Rain present "Seattle Mariners' Catcher Roulette." As a former catcher myself (perhaps the only left-handed one in little league history), I have a special affection for the pitch callers. With a spate of injuries in the past month, it may be difficult to tell who's squatting behind the plate in Seattle (the mask doesn't help either). Here's an update for the catchers who have appeared in a Mariner uniform as of May 16, 2005:

• Dan Wilson: torn ACL, out for the season (possibly career?)
• Rene Rivera: AA catcher promoted last night. Major League batting average of .000, but cute as a button.
  
• Wiki Gonzalez: Definitely has the best name of Mariner catchers, but not the best hamstrings(!)
• Miguel Olivo: healthy (after debilitating kidney stones in '04), but batting a sickly .155
• Ryan Christianson: back after a steroid suspension, good prospects for health barring Giambi-esque thyroid condition.

Wait A Second...

The White House and Defense Departments are up in arms today about a small item in Newsweek that has triggered rioting in Afghanistan and Pakistan (perhaps other 'Stans, as well?). The item involved the flushing of the Koran down the toilet or something to that effect (if only that was most objectionable thing happening at Guantanamo Bay). Newsweek has retracted the item, but the Administration wants more. I'm going to reprint a Pentagon spokesperson's comments from the New York Times:

In a statement on Sunday, Bryan Whitman, a Pentagon spokesman, said: "Newsweek hid behind anonymous sources, which by their own admission do not withstand scrutiny. Unfortunately, they cannot retract the damage they have done to this nation or those that were viciously attacked by those false allegations."

The original account, he said, was "demonstrably false" and "was irresponsible and had significant consequences that reverberated throughout Muslim communities around the world.''

I'm sorry, but are these people on drugs? They've got this incredible bug up their ass because an anonymous source furnished Newsweek with questionable information. Do they really not remember that they sold an entire war based on faulty intelligence? Try Googling "Curveball" if you too are afflicted with severe short-term memory loss.

Something Democratic

Death from above

Like most residents of Washington, DC, yours truly heard about the Great Cessna Scare of '05 long after the fact. Two guys from Pennsylvania were apparently using an outdated map and drifted into restricted airspace. I'm sure SAM batteries were locked onto their little plane, but fortunately for them they were intercepted by fighter jets and forced to land outside the city, proving again that there but for the grace of God go the Darwin Awards. While red alerts were issued to Capitol Hill staffers and White House personnel (sending my pregnant landlord hustling out into the streets and the first lady to the White House basement), I gather that no one else in the District of Columbia had much of an idea what was happening until reading it in the papers.

I certainly didn't, though I was nowhere near the real action. At the time I was at the Ft. Reno tennis courts, taking advantage of unemployment to knock some balls around in the noontime sun. While it did seem peculiar that I could see F-16s flying circles over the city, much greater attention was directed on the alarming deterioration of my backhand. But let me come to my purpose. There was something democratic to come out of the whole situation. That something was general ignorance.

First some background: I've always been a great admirer of the Bob Dylan line "Even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked." This seems to have been updated on Wednesday as the POTUS "sometimes must have to ride his bicycle." As I was playing tennis, unaware that many thought the capital under attack, Bushy-Bush was out bike riding in Maryland, also unaware that fighters had been scrambled. No one thought he needed to know, so he continued rocking John Fogerty on his i-Pod until the end of the ride. For nearly an hour on that glorious late-spring day, I knew as much (if not a little more) about urgent matters of national security as the president. Some, however, perceived this to be a slight problem and it led to an amusingly contentious exchange between the press corps and Scott McClellan the next day: "Might there be something wrong with protocols that render the President unnecessary when the alarm is going off at his house?"

Know Your Rodents

We welcome back Know Your Rodents with this week's small, furry friend: the hedgehog. Contrary to popular opinion, the hedgehog is neither a hedge nor a hog. Feel free to relate this bit of information next time the hedgehog is brought up in conversation. You will sound way knowledgeable.

[Know Your Rodents Newsflash: Please click here]

Borko at the Cinema

Kingdom of Heaven
by Borko Naberezhnyi

Borko is thinking like Ridley Scott--now is being perfect time for movie about Christians invading Holy Land. What could be being better! I am being riveted!

Movie is starting in 1148 AD, where Orlando Bloom is blacksmith guy. Life is very bad. He probably poo in a pot. His dad (Liam Neeson) come to take him to Jerusalem, but they have never been meeted! If Borko was Liam, I ask for paternity test. Bloom does not look like his bastard! Look at noses! On way to Holy Land, is much misfortunes. Sword battles and killings and shipwrecks in desert lands. Borko is thinking Shakespeare guy should be getting assist on script. All battles are being shot with Ridley Scott fight-scene trademark known to Borko as"incoherence." I am not knowing what it happening! It make the brain to be sleeping.

Once in Holy Land, is more complications. Some want war, some no war. Orlando hit it with princess. Accents are being very indeterminate. Blah, blah. There is some Frenchy guy who is villain. He is having unfortunate resemblence to Tim Curry in Spamalot. When he call guy "blasphemer" it make Borko think of Life of Brian. Hard to be taking serious. Movie is pretty but also is being pretty boring!

Orlando end up fighting Saladin, a famous Arab guy, for Jerusalem. Saladin is being played by actor from Syria, Ghassan Massoud. He is being one smooth dude. Character look familiar. No other critic guy is having sack to say it so Borko must: Ghassan give off real strong Osama vibe.

Moral of story at end is can we not all be getting along? I am thinking there is still being some disagreements in the Middle East. Answer is apparently "no."

Ad Man

The Army's motto, "An Army of One," is getting a little tired. In light of their efforts to evade EPA regulations and the subsequent ground water contamination, leukemia and such, I think they need something with a little more "zazz." I'll forward this on to Rumsfeld. "The Army: Killing Folk, It's What We Do."

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."

Slate had an interesting obit on departed stand-up comic Mitch Hedberg. Quite interesting, I thought. I certainly wondered what had become of him since his heyday on "Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist."

Speaking of "Dr. Katz," I've been waiting in vain for some of my favorite TV shows of yore to receive the series DVD treatment. "Scrubs: Season One" will be (finally) released on May 17th, but what of "Duckman"? How much longer will the world be deprived of Dweezil Zappa's greatest performance?

Baseball Woes

It's been a discouraging few days (months?) for your Seattle Mariners. Though to see the team nationally televised twice in a week is something of a 10-year anomaly, ESPN only scheduled it this way in the hopes that large audiences would tune in to see the Yankees drub the M's (I hope they haven't been disappointed). How humiliating to know that your hometown squad are sacrificial lambs for a $208 million juggernaut. Keep in mind that this is all despite the fact that these two underachievers had strikingly similar woeful records coming into the series. You wouldn't know that by listening to the obsequious banter of Dave O'Brien and Rick Sutcliffe. So, in order to get some sarcastic aggression out before the final game is televised at one (Eastern), Expecting Rain presents "ESPN's Yankee Broadcast Mad-Libs."

1. Derek Jeter is the greatest _______ of the last decade.
2. Jeter only made that error because ______ jinxed him.
3. Despite the fact that he never managed a winner prior to '96, Joe Torre _____ the greatest baseball mind in history.
4. Gosh, _____ Derek Jeter just super?

God v. Microsoft

Microsoft has flip-flopped again, and is now backing gay-rights legislation in Washington state. It was rumored that an evangelical pastor had threatened a national boycott and that was what caused the mega-corp to temporarily withdraw its support for the bill. How can you boycott Microsoft? That's like boycotting oxygen. Microsoft needs a reality check--they're bigger than Jesus.

Arrrrrrgh.

Aaaaarrrrgh.
Arggggggh.
Aaaarrrrgh!
Aarrrggggh.

Calm down. Stay mellow. Think happy thoughts. Ahhhhh.

More Manifestation Wackiness

Just when you thought that Satan's image on the shell of a box turtle and the Virgin Mary appearing on a grilled cheese sandwich were the only manifestations we'd see this decade, the B.V.M. has shown herself again, this time as a mixture of road salt and highway emissions on an underpass on Chicago's Kennedy Expressway. If I was a saint, Interstate 90 is definitely where I'd appear (Seattle to Beantown, baby!) Sadly, some non-believer in miracles has defaced it and now this unimpeachable demonstration of God's love for His children is no more.

I have yet to see any articles on the terrifying visage of John Wilkes Booth that is on a window at 10th and E NW. Is it possible that if it's not Jesus, Satan or Mary, people would just dismiss it as an oddly shaped stain on a piece of glass? I just can't believe that.

Only the Strong Survive

I am so tired of reading headlines like this one (In Kansas, Darwinism Goes on Trial Once More), that I'd like to put forward a little deal. You can teach creationism if you foresake everything that science has given humanity. Little Jimmy better pray that God cures his infected cut, but you can make damn sure that the Topeka school system won't be shoving some nonsense about evolution down his throat. That seems fair (and it will cull the weak, ensuring only the strong survive).

I'd like something similar imposed now that Bush has signed the so-called "Family Entertainment and Copyright Act." Sure the bill was basically a give-away to Utah-based ClearPlay, Inc., but if Christians don't want their children seeing the naughty bits on DVDs I can see the angle. If they are willing to stop griping about "morals" in entertainment (while Tivo-ing Desperate Housewives), then they can edit all the movies they want, as long as those movies only feature 80's megastar Steve Guttenberg. Everybody wins, and we'd be doing Guttenberg a solid.

(Un)employment Forecast

Now that I've been out-of-work for a week, it's time for the extended 10-day unemployment forecast. Heading into the weekend, there's a 2% chance of shaving, with showers increasingly sporadic as we head toward Monday. Warm-ups are expected throughout next week, and there appears little chance that we'll see regular pants any time soon. Collared shirts appear increasingly unlikely coming into summer, but with only a 50% chance of laundry, there's no telling what we may see. Winds gusty at 10-20 mph out of the southwest. Highs 0f 68.

A Dilemma

I really had my mind set on making fun of Sacramento Kings guard Mike Bibby, who is easily the ugliest man in the National Basketball Association (and currently shellacking the Sonics in Game 4 of the first round playoffs). There's more to Bibby than just ugliness though. A visit to his website informed me that he runs a basketball camp at his old high school during the off-season, which is a laudible extra-curricular activity (especially when compared to how Shawn Kemp spends his free time). Yet Bibby's ogrish appearance inspires night terrors in small children. Good thing I quit my job; I now have plenty of time to noodle on just such a dilemma.

[All you Bibby fans might want to check out the following site, now that Ray Allen and the Sonics have sent him home early. http://www.mikebibby.com/tats.htm]